Tell Me A Story...

... about your best friend: Well, one day, I never knew Jessie. I just knew she was in the band and I'd see her every so often but I didn't go up to talk to her. I didn't know her until our friend Crystal introduced us on a trip to the zoo in 7th grade. It was for a science assignment, and we spent all day together. On the bus back home, I thought she was a pretty cool girl, and since then, we've pretty much been amazing best friends. :D

... about the time you and your mother's biggest argument: Ha. My mother and I argued the worst one time when it came to me fooling around with a guy in her house. It was quite funny actually. I was playing around with one of my friends and my younger sister saw, so while I was away, my sister asked my mother why I was on top of my friend. She thought we were having sex with my then-eight-year-old sister in the house. So we got into a huge argument about respect in her house and how I need to respect her rules (which I didn't even know existed, by the way). Then the conversation shifted drastically to a point of view match to something along the lines of concern of diseases and such. It was actually quite funny how it all played out. And in the end, she asked why I hadn't told her about me and that friend and how we were a couple. That's when I couldn't stop uncontrollably laughing.

... about the room you're in: Umm... nothing special has particularly happened in this room. It's my ten-year-old sister's pink-infested Barbie room. We cleaned it all out yesterday and today, but it still feels cluttered. Erm... it's... pink. And the window right now is open and I'm freezing. I should probably shut it, but I should finish this story first. Umm... This is the room where the Wii's power cord broke... and where most of my other sister's old posters ended up, with the young sister trying to be cool.... I'm done. There's nothing special about this room.

... about the last person you talked to on the phone: AWW, PAYDEN! We had a lovely, lovely, LOVELY phone conversation the other day about boys and how they're lame and how they need to be more like us, because we should practically be the mold for all men everywhere. Although... that would get fairly boring at times, so it's mainly the fact that we don't like one night stands and that we want something real and something that lasts more than two weeks. I really do value Payden in my life. I told him that not having him around is like losing a part of my body (I said a foot, I believe) and if that's the case, I've been limping around for the past three weeks without him.

And no. I don't have a crush on Payden, although it may sound like it. He knows that. :)

... about what you valued most as a kid: Umm... as in a toy? Or what? I didn't have many worries as a kid, so I didn't have many things I valued. I didn't really have much as a kid. Just a few things here and there. I wasn't ever jealous of everyone else, but I did look at what all the other kids had and asked myself why I never had that, or why my parents couldn't ever get me that. Not that I was underprivileged, I didn't understand that until I realized that I had things that other kids wanted. So, I figured later that there was a constant "Why don't I have that" while growing up not just from my part but from other people as well.

... about the last three people you have history with: Ugh.... fuck. Seriously?

The most recent one I had "history" with... I guess I can say we still talk. We're friends. It's not bad. It just took a lot from his part to finally get to talk to me again after I ended things. At first it felt right, but after a while... a SHORT while, it didn't feel right, and I felt like I didn't need to put up with it. So before it got better or worse, ultimately we both decided that we shouldn't see each other anymore. I was over it very quickly, because I'm strong-willed and level headed and I didn't let it get to me at all, but him... it took him a while. It annoyed me at first, but eh. I got over it. And so did he.

Before that.... Bah. I hate this story. There was this guy that I liked and from what I understood, he liked me, but for some reason, we never ended up getting the official "title" if you know what I mean. We'd hang out a lot after school, but eventually he stopped talking to me altogether. I found it it was because another guy came into his life and asked him for the "title," and when this other guy found out about me, he got jealous and asked to cut contact with me. It was the most ridiculous thing I've heard, and I told him that when I got them both on the phone on a three-way call. I wanted to tell my friend that it wasn't going to last long, but I know he'd give me the whole "jealous" speech, so I didn't say anything... until it actually happened. I figured he still had feelings for me, but when I spent nearly ten months asking him about it, all he told me is that he didn't have feelings for me anymore, and I'll never find out about them... because he just won't tell me. So I'm thinking I was one of those "friends with benefits." What do I think of friends with benefits? Well, I think that I'm a friend most of the time until it benefits them. So... I went off to school and he hardly talked to me. So I thought I just annoyed him. Meh. Whatever. He can do what he wants now that he's going to college. I'll end up laughing anyway.

And then there's THIS one... It might as well have been a relationship. It went on for nearly two years, for God's sake. He was the one that all the girls wanted, all the girls desired, and all the boys were jealous of BECAUSE the girls wanted him. Obviously, he didn't want girls, and I was the only one who knew it. Out of all the people he ever had contact with, not one would think he was gay. Except for me. I found out first hand that fated October night. I wasn't hooked from the beginning because it seemed mainly experimental, but eventually feelings developed and it was the worst mistake anyone could have ever done. I let myself be used, to put things simply. At the time I didn't exactly use those terms. Instead I tricked myself into that beat-up housewife mentality: "I have to do this. I have to do this for him. I know he'll change. He just has to. Then we'll be happy together. I just know it." Time went on and the same excuses were made. He wouldn't talk to me outside of those special meetings we held every now and then, about twice a week. Yes. Twice a week. For about a year and a half total. One night we were scared shitless when the unthinkable happened and someone found us fooling around. This is when parents were involved, as well as irrational behavior. At the same time I was realizing that my fantasy was not going to come true. That eventful night when we said "I love you" to each other, on the floor, nearly naked... the only night I thought it was true and sincere... everything changed. Tears were involved from that moment on, from both parties. I saw his, but he never saw mine. We tried on working on just being friends, but it was hard on his part because he became addicted. But what we both thought was an addiction turned out to be human nature. And I was hurt deeply. Mainly because what I thought would NEVER happen to me did, and because of what my thoughts on the entire thing were. I became bitter.

Thanks to him, I'm still bitter. He's off in the world, doing his own thing, doing what he feared for so long, for as long as he was with me. I'm glad he got to find himself... at my expense.

Still bitter.

***

On a related side note, I saw Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Loved the film, HATE the thoughts it gave me afterwards....

My thoughts are now reeling about weddings. Mainly... the wedding I want to have...

Ugh. It's late. Goodnight. More on this later. Fersherrr.....

Disillusioned

So recently I've done the unthinkable. I've started using social networking websites aimed at homosexuals, mainly gay.com, connexion.org, and gynite.com. I've NEVER imagined myself doing such things, mainly because I feel really young to be using those.

I always had a feeling that anyone that used such websites were only desperate, lonely, horny, willing, and bored... and maybe a mixture of all of those. A guy from my old hall named Nate has a profile on two of those websites. Those adjectives I just listed? They all came from mainly reading his profile.

I love meeting new people. I love talking to new people. I love even just hearing about new people. My friend Jessie and I have come to the conclusion that I am a people whore. I get along with anyone I want to (and note that I said anyone, not everyone), I can relate to most people, and for some reason, people remember me. Why do people remember me? Beats me. I can't understand why a person would actually scream out my name after months and months of not seeing each other and expect to be best friends. It happens all the time though. :)

I was recently on gay.com and on the chat. SO AWKWARD, may I add. I've seen the chat before, but I've never really participated. I never had the guts to do so, because, like I said before, I'm TOO YOUNG to use it. At least, that's what my perspective is. I saw eighteen-year-olds using the chat service and I figured that I was just being a pansy for thinking it was something only older guys do. Then I noticed their pictures.

Whores. All of them. Not like I was expecting anything else. So I stuck with my thoughts. I read some of the stuff that was going on in the chat window and realized that people like to say really random things that don't make sense. I always imagined that all the guys on the chat would be in their early and mid twenties, with their shirts off, with their nice muscles and smooth skin... but that definitely was NOT the case.

The only ones actually using the chat were in their MID FIFTIES. Why would men of that age be on these websites? "Desperate, lonely, horny, willing, and bored..." Oh... yeah. I did say that, didn't I?

So then why am I on them? I'm not desperate. I've gone 18 years without a boyfriend, and when the first came along, it was nice and all, but it only lasted two weeks. And it's been eight months since then. What's that compared to the rest of my life?

I'm not lonely. I've got friends all around me... kind of. Being home made me realize that I had no life before college and hardly any friends as well. I'm definitely NOT horny because that happens only so many times a year. I know, I know. I'm a guy. I'm supposed to be thinking about sex 24/7. Not here, though. It just doesn't happen. And if I'm not horny, then I'm definitely not willing.

So... that just leaves boredom. I guess I'm just bored and want to meet new people. It's hard to meet someone new when the nearest place to meet someone is fifteen minutes away, and without a job, that just gets hard. And... how does one go about meeting someone new?

That's a hard question to answer. I met all of my friends in college through other friends and through classes. I don't have that here. All I have is my father who sleeps all day because he works nights, my sisters who I've already had enough of (and I've only been home for five days), and my mother, who works until late at night. I don't see anyone else besides that.

Why do I want to meet someone new? To meet more new people. To keep myself entertained. It's how I live. I just hope these people don't end up being ridiculous.... like last night.

So there's this boy named Michael who lives all the way across the country in Connecticut. He added me on Myspace four years ago in July and we've gotten to know each other really, really, really well... so well that I pretty much have developed feelings for him. Which is fine. That's not the bad thing.

The bad thing is that I thought I had him all figured out. He's a sweet guy and he's never done anything to make me rethink my feelings for him until last night. He's been away working on a cruise line since the beginning of March and doesn't get home until the first of June. Last night he texted me asking to see my penis, something he's NEVER done before, and something he WOULDN'T EVER do either.

So I figured he lost his phone and someone was just texting me randomly. So I asked him why, and he responded with, "Idk just curiouse." I have a low tolerance for bad grammar, but I get to know people because of it. There's no other person in the world that I've met that spells the word "curious" with an "e." So it was for sure him.

He continued to tell me that he was horny and really wanted to see my penis. After almost four years of knowing each other and trusting each other, he asks such a thing. I'm very confused as to why he kept talking to me all these years and why this finally surfaced last night.

I don't send pictures of my penis. I don't talk dirty to just anyone, and if I did, I'm purely joking. It's not my nature to be filanderous and that open. My friend Jonathan asked me what my penis size was once and all I told him was that it was private information that only a few people know, and that's because they've earned the right to see it. Not all people have that right. I'm very reserved about things like that. Does that make me one of the "useful" ones? The ones that are supposed to let loose as soon as they know a guy well?

Do all gay men keep the "stupid" one around until they think they're going to get something out of it? Something physical? This is the downside of my sexuality. I'd rather have it be anything else than this. A greater risk of AIDS, my hair falling out, or getting rocks thrown at me.... Basically, anything else is better than this. And if this is what's truly and most definitely going to happen all the time, then listen well, all of you homosexuals out there...

Don't talk to me.

My Boyfriend, Mitch Hewer.

Now, I must say that I'm definitely NOT superficial when it comes to attraction.... but there is one DEFINITE exception.




Mitch Hewer. No, he's not really my boyfriend (although I would be the luckiest and happiest guy on earth if he was). I'm just madly in love with him... even though I'm one of those people that say love doesn't happen unless you've met them personally.




I can't get over the fact that's he is so beautiful. I, personally, LOVED him in Skins. Skins is a British television show about raunchy, sexual, drugged up teenagers.



He wasn't one of them, thankfully. His gay character, Maxxie, didn't even get anything until the second series. I was so jealous of the guy who made fun of him for being gay and ended up being gay himself. They rolled down a hill and then made out at the bottom. Then, later, he hooked up with this boy named James (which is funny because that's the name of my ex. :P)



There's a lot of rumors going on in the world that he's gay, that he's bi, that he's neither... All sources say he's straight. Many forum-spammers say that they heard on Radio 1 that he's bisexual. Supposedly he also came out in an article from Attitude magazine.



It doesn't matter to me. He's beautiful and I love him just how he is. His blonde (which is now brown), his tan, his eyes.... The best part about him is that he's my height! There aren't very many painfully attractive boys that are only 5'5" in height. :D


Pretty sure, that to anyone who is questioning their sexuality, a picture of Mitch can definitely give you a straight answer. Ask yourself right now, men. "Is this guy here attractive?" And if your answer is yes, ask yourself, "Does he give me a tingly feeling all over, mainly in my no-no area?" And if the answer is yes again...



BACK OFF. He's ALL mine. :D

To Familiarize Myself...

I figured that to familiarize myself with this a bit more, why not do one of those ridiculous surveys that pop up all over Myspace and Facebook and write a bit more about myself? (Even though I really do not like writing about myself at all... :P)



What is today?
Today is the third of May.

Do you own a tree?
Umm... not really.... There's a couple of trees in the yard outside, but they're not technically mine.

Paper, plastic, or rubber?
Rubber? Why include rubber? I can't think of anything that I would have a choice between paper, plastic, or rubber...

What color are your socks?
I'm sockless at the moment.

What color are your feet?
Uhh... skin color? Tan skin color?

Did you know that Pluto is not a planet?
Well, here's the thing. And you're going to think of me as some sort of loser geek for saying this. But Pluto is actually still considered to be a planet by a large portion of scientists. The only reason it wasn't considered to be a planet is the word "planet" was defined specifically just recently, and Pluto didn't fall into that category. So, Pluto is a dwarf planet, which is a part of more dwarf planets and debris that make up a belt of space junk around the solar system.

And it's not like you really care... because you're only a survey.... and now I feel dumb.


Will you be in a relationship in fifteen years?
Fifteen? Nearly thirty-five years old. I better be, or I might as well give up. :P

Will you be in a relationship in fifteen days?
Oh, no, no, no. That's for sure NOT going to happen.

What about in fifteen minutes?
Uhh... that's even less probable than fifteen days.

Do you use tongue when kissing?
Depends on the kiss. It'd be very awkward if I went up to a familiar and started using my tongue for a cheek to cheek kiss.

Do you know how to write in cursive?
I do, but it's really bad cursive. I didn't practice enough when I was younger.

Do you delete questions if you don't want to answer them?
No. I delete questions if they are really grammatically incorrect. Those just make me angry. :P

Have you been on a cruise?
Nah. I haven't been one to really think of me on a cruise and actually enjoy it.

Where was your last road trip?
Going home from school, I guess. Four hour drives are really relaxing.

Have you ever been out of the country?
In a way. I was born in a different country.

What would you name a black dog?
A black dog? If it's small, I'll name it Gregorius Muldoon. If it's a big dog, I'll name it Brutus.

How many people have you kissed?
Not counting family, I've kissed eight people; Two were just on the lips, and the other six were more than that. Also... two were girls. o.O

Have you recieved a puppy in the mail box?
YES! ... No. Why would anyone send a dog through the mail?

Do you want to hold them like they do in Texas Plays?
Okay, Lady Gaga. Now I know it's you who created this survey.

How do you feel about sheep?
Baa Ram Ewe!

How old is your skin?
Hmm... About nineteen years and four months old, let alone the nine in the womb.

Are you on something?
I'm on a bed... if that's the kind of "on" you're asking about. :P

Who is your best friend?
I have Jessie, who is my very best friend, and Payden, the gay best friend I never had until I went to college. :D

Most over used phrase?
"Pretty sure..." "Remember when..." "Fershur." "Okay, (insert adjective here in place of a noun)."

I love you, do you love me?
No. I have no idea who you are. Why would you love me anyway?

Have you kissed anyone who's name started with: A, G, T, W, E, B, C, Q, O, P, R, V, M, Z, I, H, L?
Umm... C and Z. All the other letters of the people I've kissed are not on this list. :P

Do you like College?
Aww, yeah! Only... let's not capitalize college next time.

Are you in College?
I was. I'm out for the summer. And you didn't listen to me. I told you not to capitalize college.

Who do you want your next kiss to be with?
Someone meaningful. 'Nuff said.

When will your next kiss be?
Umm... why wasn't this question before the last one? I have no idea when my next kiss will be. It's not like I actually plan when I'm going to kiss someone.

Do you want to move?
Yes.

Who are you going to marry, and when is your wedding date?
I don't know if I'll marry...

What would you do if the last person you kissed didn't want to be with you?
I'd be fine with that. I'm sure I don't want to be with them either.

Duck you?
... I'm just going to ignore this.

How white are you?
I'm not white at all. It makes me sad sometimes... but then other times it works to my advantage.

What are you looking forward to in the next 2 seconds?
This answer took two seconds.

How about the next 2 days?
Who knows what will happen in two days?

How about 2 weeks?
I hope I have a job by then.

How about 2 months?
That just makes it one month closer to school!!

How about 2 years?
Okay, persistent. I'm not going to even say anything anymore.

Do you want a paper gangsta?
... What the hell is a paper gangsta?

Are you on a boat?
I'm definitely on a boat.

What would you do if you found out the last person you kissed kissed someone since you last kissed them?
That's fine. I wouldn't mind.

What are you thinking about right NOW?
How this survey ended up being something really fun and now, towards the end... it's really getting annoying. :P

Do you have a penis?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Do you have dirty pictures on your phone?
UHH.... NO. AWKWARD.

What color are your eyes?
Really dark brown. Very generic.

Do you have brown eyes?
Pretty sure that's what I just said.

Do you like piercings?
I do. I've got my ears and my labret pierced.

How big are your BOOBIES?
I just said I had a penis. Why would I have breasts?

How many people have you had sex with in 2007??
One.

Weed, coke, speed, crack, heroin, oxy, acid, x, k, peyote, mushrooms, of these, how many have you done?
What a drastic change of questions! I've smoked weed before...

Ever paid for sex?
You're kidding, right? I don't really like sex in the first place, let alone paying for it.

Do you own any guns?
Only MY ARMS!! .... No. I don't own guns.

Have you ever had any sexual experiences with the same sex?
I can safely say that YES. I've had sexual experiences with ONLY the same sex.

How long has it been since you had sex?
Ugh. Seriously? Fine. It's been nearly ten months without sex. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

Is it possible to be single and happy?
Yes. Just ask me. I'm the perfect example. :D

One year down, three to go.

I guess this a good place to start. I have a blog on another website, and I've kept it for four years in June, but I figured I should join the Blogger crowd. This one will mainly be a copy/paste of that one, unless I feel something belongs more on this than that.

Just finished my first year of university. It feels like a great accomplishment. Yet... not, at the same time. I'm studying theater and music at Southern Utah University. Do I like it there, pretty much! Am I there now?

Ugh. No. The school year is over and I was basically forced to move back home, which is four hours north of SUU. It's not bad, I guess, but I was really looking forward to staying in Cedar during the summer and establish myself as an independent person instead of having to go back with the mother.

I don't fit in my mother's house anymore. My old room is being used for storage, and that storage has no room in the garage... which is where my stuff is. I'm going to be staying in my 9-year old sister's pink-infested room... for three and a half months...

But, whatever. I'll live. I have my friends here to keep me company (although they don't compare to the ones I've made at school) and I'm sure I'll go out and entertain myself somehow. We'll see what happens. All I can say right now is that I'm very excited for school to start in August again.