But seriously. A REALLY good thing. I've always been hard-headed about weddings in general, not just concerning me. Recently a bunch of people I went to high school with have been getting married. I heard about a couple of girls that I graduated high school with getting married to boys they've known for three months. A boy I really dislike got married to his whore two days ago with a four months old bastard child in the whore's uterus, and keep in mind that this guy is a year younger than I am.
I don't understand the concept of marriage. At my age, at least. Maybe they're really in love. They might have found it before the rest of us. But my 19-year-old brain can't comprehend that. So, in my eyes, they're just ignoring their life as a young adult, their time for college, or for travel, or to establish oneself as a person... it's being ignored for marriage. Maybe not even marriage, but just for sex. It's a ridiculous excuse to "saving yourself" until marriage. Purity, my ass.
Amidst all these weddings, I saw that film. *SPOILERS* That entire film takes place during the wedding of the main guy's brother over a course of about two days. The main guy is a whore, literally, who'll date multiple women at the same time. Over the course of the film, which is heavily influenced by A Christmas Carol, he is visited by old girlfriends, and by the end of the film, he realizes that he still loves the first girl he first fell in love with. *END SPOILERS*
Now... here's me just being sappy. But when as I watched this entire film, I kept thinking about all the guys in my past. Mind you... there aren't that many.
Jonathan.
Mykel.
Other Jonathan.
Kaden.
Colten.
Matthew.
James.
Ugh. Just saying their names really, really, REALLY irritates me. First of all, Trey and Justin don't really count in that list. I met them on the internet and even though we never had anything, I thought I liked them. Trey turned out to be a Dolce Cunt and Justin was too demanding. VERY unattractive qualities.
As for the rest? There's been something there, and this film really made me think about everything that's happened with them. And what conclusion did I come to? Well... it's a bit different with every guy, and that's depending on their respective epic-fail stories. Maybe sometime in the future I'll dedicate some posts describing what went on, but for now, it's irrelevant.
The conclusion?: Where the HELL has my head been?! Why don't I pay more attention to my rational sense rather than my... feelings? Feelings are for losers, and that's exactly how I felt throughout the entire film. I'm a loser. I'm not afraid to admit it. Nobody should. In fact, I'm glad I'm admitting it myself, because then I know I could do better.
So what about marriage? Well, all the while these guys raced through my head, I imagined my wedding. NOT WITH THEM. Eww. I can't even... ugh. BLAH. NO. NOT EVEN. No. I imagined my wedding with a generic man. I can't even describe his facial features, he's THAT generic. I imagined the decorations, the people who'd be invited, and the ones that would actually show up. I thought about the face on my mother when she accepts and realizes that a man is who I'm meant to be with. I can see my best friend Jessie crying with tears of joy, thinking in her head, "Finally! Someone good enough for him!" I can see the cake, the cheers, the dancing, the dinner... and it's all very beautiful.... but...
I don't want a wedding. I never wanted a wedding. I never could imagine it, ever. I always told myself that if I trusted myself enough with a guy that I've known for a good long while, and if he asked me to marry him, I'd consider it, but up until that point, marriage was not in the equation. So there's benefits for married couples. Meh. I can do just fine without them. That's all people get married for. Benefits. And even then some marriages fail. I don't want my relationship to fail. Not that marriage is going to make that come true, as that might happen without it, but the divorce process... to say that you're divorced. Especially a gay male. Maybe they're out there, but I personally have never heard a gay male say, "Yeah, I'm divorced. My previous husband was too much to handle. We couldn't get along."
But... marriage. After seeing the movie, I noticed that it wasn't just about benefits, etc., but rather a celebration. A celebration of two people's love for each other, love so great that it had to be expressed and shared with the rest of the world. So... why can't I have that? Why shouldn't I have that? Why did I think that I didn't need that? It almost seemed necessary...
Almost.
Like I said. I got over this girly feeling of marriage and love. I'm a man. I'm supposed to be focused on establishing myself and making myself stable before I think of these things. It lingered on my head for a couple of days, and right now I am thankful for my man-brain, a brain so manly that it pushed that Disney-esque vision out of my head and filled it with silly nonsense about teleportation, string theory, and hunger.
But...
I'm ninteen and a half. If I'm thinking of these things now... what about five years from now? Ten?
... What about a year from this very date?
1 comment:
The thing about being 19, 20 years old is that there's still so many variables that will determine our future that it's hard to predict where we'll be so many years from now. There are so many forks in the road that there's really nothing to think about except take a path and see where it goes.
It certainly is frustrating to see people so young get married. For one thing, it's hard to imagine them being married forty, fifty years down the road to the same person. I know with me it's hard to fathom marriage because I'm still single. It's hard to think about marriage when you're not even in a relationship.
And you're not a loser. You're human. Hindsight is 20/20 and in my opinion you're a hell of a lot smarter than many people I have to deal with on a daily basis. :-)
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