Today in Movement #1

Actually, not exactly today, but Thursday. On Thursday, Anthony, my Movement instructor, told the class that we needed to start some sort of journal for each day we attend his class, and since I definitely need to keep up some more, I thought this is a good way to do it. :) So, "Today in Movement" is going to be a recurring thing until December when the class is over.

Today in Movement #1: Today we stood up in front of the class completely still for three and a half minutes. It wasn't that big of a deal. I had summer band for six years where Mr. Barton made us do band commands for half an hour, and ten minutes of it was just standing still, not getting distracted by whatever he did. There are a couple of things that I didn't like, though, like the fact that we were wearing all black clothing. For summer band, we wore whatever we wanted. Anthony likes to keep things neutral, so he asks for black clothes for his class. I had the misfortune of wearing a really tight black v-neck that revealed everything and I was not comfortable with that. The second thing that I didn't like was the fact that everyone was staring at me. I was standing in front of the class with two other people, of course, but everyone else in the class was sitting down, watching us just stand there, basically raping us with their eyes. I felt like a specimen in a box being experimented on and they were just waiting for the results. I tried my hardest to block them out, and I succeeded to the point where I just noticed them as a large black and white blob at the bottom of my viewing area, but I could still feel their stares looking at my exposed body through my shirt and whatever else I was wearing. And I couldn't do anything about it, and that's the part that sucked the most.

College Lesson #9

Ignore the first 8 lessons. They aren't here. We'll start with 9.

College Lesson #9: There is NEVER any time for what you want.

Ugh. So true. I can't sit and type what I want. I can't get up and do what I want. Something always has to come along and change plans, for better and worse. So... I'm thinking of doing a one-time vlog, JUST so I can get things down. It's a new thing I'm thinking about... and it may happen soon, but unless I get internet at my new place at school, there's no way I can keep up. Let's just say:

- I need a job.

- School has started.

- My father's in jail... again.

All will be expanded on.... later.

Jonathan's... Departure?

Time = 2 months before I leave for Cedar again.... and I don't know how I feel about this anymore...

I remember when I wrote that. I was way excited to be back in Jonathan's life again, even if it was for a little bit. Jonathan, Emily, Colten, and I hung out on the Fourth of July. It was supposed to be us and Davies as well, but it turned out his cousin shot himself and was in the hospital the entire time. Depressing I know. What made it worse was that Emily and I were texting and calling him the entire time trying to contact him. We felt insensitive and selfish after he told us why he didn't show up. It was probably better that Davies wasn't there. Things would have probably been less awkward, but it wouldn't have happened the way that it did.

I drove to Emily's house after she said she was going to have a bonfire in her backyard. I asked her who else was invited and she told me Davies was supposed to show up with a bunch of friends. After talking for a while we went to pick up Colten at his house. From there, she said we were going to pick up Jonathan and Colten freaked out. He started talking about how he didn't want to go to Jon's house because Jon made him feel uncomfortable. We told him to get over it because he was going to be with us the whole night anyway. We went to Jon's house, practically forcing Colten to come and begging him to not walk home.

I personally believe we walked in on Jonathan masturbating, mainly because Emily does those "knock and open at the same time" entrances and his bed squeaked as he blurted out, "Hello!?" I laughed on the inside. He was watching Prison Break. I don't know how many straight guys masturbate to Prison Break, but I found this awkward. We sat down and watched the remainder of an episode with him. Colten was just sitting quietly, not looking over at Jonathan. I couldn'tunderstand why Jonathan made Colten so uncomfortable. I would have asked him, but it wouldn't have made things any better.

After Prison Break we drive over to Emily's house. Colten was paranoid about sitting in the back of my car with Jonathan, so he raced Emily to the front seat. Colten definitely felt stupid when Jonathan drove himself over. It was way windy outside and I wondered how exactly this bonfire was going to work. Emily had planned to use her old Christmas tree as firewood. She and Colten went to get chairs to sit. That made things awkward, because that meant that Jonathan and I were standing alone for the first time in years. I couldn't find a thing to say at all. It was silent for a long, long while. I kept taking my cell phone out to pretend check for texts. Unfortunately, the gods were against me on this one. I couldn't find anything to say. When I finally was going to blurt something out, Emily and Colten came back with chairs. We sat down and looked at the fire. Then Emily decided she was going to go get us drinks and Colten volunteered himself to go with her. So Jonathan and I were alone again. This time, though, I actually got a text message that entertained me for a little while... a very small little while. The words, "So, Jon, how was jail?" almost escaped the tip of my tongue but I figured it wasn't right to delve into something like that.

To break the silence, Jonathan took out his phone and started playing music. It was the horrendous "music" that kids listen to nowadays, like Escape The Fate and The Devil Wears Prada. I almost passed out due to lack of musicality that came out of his phone. It's a good thing he changed the music to "something gay," as he liked to put it. I had never heard of the artists we listened to afterward, but obviously he wasn't too fond of it. My views on this: He was greatly fond of this "gay" music. It just didn't fit in with his "bad" image.

The fire died quickly... especially after I announced to everyone that it was a lame bonfire. We put it out and went inside to play cards. This is where things got weird. We start playing card games. I don't remember what games they were, but I do remember that Jonathan learned them while he was in jail. We played on Emily's small dinner table. It was a four-person table and Colten had a hard time deciding where he was going to sit. Jonathan sat down first, and Colten was contemplating sitting in front of him or beside him. I made the decision for him by sitting in front of Jonathan. We started playing games and I noticed that Colten wouldn't look at Jonathan for anything, only his hands. Only his hands when he was shuffling cards or when he'd put a card down, but never his face. On the other hand, Jonathan wouldn't stop looking at me. It's not like I was looking at him the entire time, but whenever I'd look at Emily or Colten, through my peripheralI could see Jonathan's entire face looking at me. I don't understand why. It's not like I had something on my face or like we haven't seen each other that much since our first year of high school... oh, wait.

While we played cards, Jonathan was asking Colten some awfully rude questions. One was, "So, Colten, if there were 100 dicks on the wall, how many would you choke on?" Colten was dumbfounded at this question and Emily just looked at me. Colten isn't out to many people, and he definitely wouldn't be out to someone like Jon. So I took it upon myself to answer the question and take the focus away form Colten. "Well, Jon, I wouldn't choke on any if they were as big as yours." But... that answer was a mistake. Another question was, "Colten. If we went camping together and we were sharing a tent,and you went outside to take a dump and you found a condom in your ass, would you tell anyone?" Okay. Umm, what the fuck. Who asks questions like that? Colten was literally the definition of an ellipse at that moment, so I answered again. "Jon, you don't ask people those kinds of questions.But if I were Colten... I'd definitely share with the world. I'd even show it to everyone."

Ugh. I know. Disgusting answer. I wouldn't really let the world know, but then again, you're not going to find a condom up there. I just said those answers to make Jonathan shut up and it worked. Unfortunately for me, I gave Jonathan the impression that I still liked him. We had an immature little argument about something where I said something along the lines of "Your face is blah" to Emily. Jonathan did Emily a favor by reciprocating it back to me, so I did the same. Then Jon said, "You know my face isn't blah. You like my face." And that stopped me in my tracks. The worst I could say was "Bitch, please." But I lingered on it. Why did I answer the way I did? I'm usually more tactful about these things. I just made Jonathan believe that I still found him attractive. Why did I just make my life much more complicated?

The night came to an end finally. I hugged Emily goodbye and... Jonathan hugged me goodbye too. HELLA awkward, I say. He said, "It was nice hanging out. Let's do this again sometime." I told him we could hang out at any time. He said, "Hooray! I have friends!" He's always had friends.... I took Colten home. This is when I asked him why he was uncomfortable around Jonathan. He said that Jonathan reminded him of his cousin, the cousin that would make him do inappropriate things when he was younger, both looks-wise and personality-wise. I understood wholeheartedly now. I told him that I appreciated him being around Jonathan for so long especially after what he just told me. He said it was fine as long as he didn't look at Jonathan. I dropped him off and went to bed.

The next day Emily texts me and asks if I want to hang out with her and Jon. I tell her that I couldn't go, so later she texts me and says that all she and Jon did was play cards and had a conversation. She said that I came up in the conversation briefly. Jon said that "it was nice getting to re-meet [me] again." Awkward, but that's exactly what it was. Re-meeting and old friend. And I didn't know how I felt about that. Because in a way he shouldn't have to re-meet me but instead pick up where he left off. But in retrospect, he's right because we've both changed from what we used to be. Last time he truly talked to me I was in my "oh i love jonathan so much b-kuz he's ma best friend and MMMM SO SEXXXI" phase, and now... am I even in a phase? I'll admit that I'm very keen on still finding out from Jonathan exactly how jail was. But not anytime soon. Maybe sometime later when it comes more naturally.

I did hang out once more with Emily and Jonathan. We went to his house and watched some videos on the internet then went outside to stargaze. That night he actually talked to me like he used to, meaning he actually had things to say and ask and contribute whenever I spoke. It was refreshing to know that I wasn't the only one who thought about starting up our friendship again. Emily and Jonathan continued their friendship to the point where she wasn't asking me to hang out but rather people that knew Jonathan more recently.She was bringing him home and spending time alone. I then read on Jon's Myspace status: "I'm ready for a commitment, but I'm wondering if she's ready? If she'll want one with me?"

Just recently I was with Emily when her mother came to pick her up from my house after a day of hanging out. I guess she had lied to her mother about Jonathan. She said that Jonathan was seventeen years old and about to be a senior with Emily in school. It didn't occur to Emily that her mother is a 911 dispatcher and she has access to everything and anything concerning the law. Jonathan's name had come up one or twice in conversations, so she did what any concerned mother would do. She asked around about him and got the truth about Jonathan and how he ended up in jail, which is why she came to my house to pick up Emily. Emily had been letting a felon into her mother's house. Emily lied to her mother about someone two years older than her. Emily was to never have contact with Jonathan from that point on. Emily is going along with this as long as she lives under her mother's roof. Emily told me that she's upset by this and didn't know how to tell Jonathan that she wasn't to contact him at all.

Now that it's only three weeks until school starts, I have no idea how to talk to Jonathan myself. And I think I'm fine with that. I don't currently have any plans of coming back to Kamas at all after I leave for school, and he's just staying here and working. In a way, it's not so much his departure more than mine. That's that, I guess. It was nice while it lasted. One thing's been on my mind though. I wonder if his mother knows he started talking to me again. Will she tell him to not talk to the Anti-Christ still or will she even care? :P