College Lesson #9

Ignore the first 8 lessons. They aren't here. We'll start with 9.

College Lesson #9: There is NEVER any time for what you want.

Ugh. So true. I can't sit and type what I want. I can't get up and do what I want. Something always has to come along and change plans, for better and worse. So... I'm thinking of doing a one-time vlog, JUST so I can get things down. It's a new thing I'm thinking about... and it may happen soon, but unless I get internet at my new place at school, there's no way I can keep up. Let's just say:

- I need a job.

- School has started.

- My father's in jail... again.

All will be expanded on.... later.

Jonathan's... Departure?

Time = 2 months before I leave for Cedar again.... and I don't know how I feel about this anymore...

I remember when I wrote that. I was way excited to be back in Jonathan's life again, even if it was for a little bit. Jonathan, Emily, Colten, and I hung out on the Fourth of July. It was supposed to be us and Davies as well, but it turned out his cousin shot himself and was in the hospital the entire time. Depressing I know. What made it worse was that Emily and I were texting and calling him the entire time trying to contact him. We felt insensitive and selfish after he told us why he didn't show up. It was probably better that Davies wasn't there. Things would have probably been less awkward, but it wouldn't have happened the way that it did.

I drove to Emily's house after she said she was going to have a bonfire in her backyard. I asked her who else was invited and she told me Davies was supposed to show up with a bunch of friends. After talking for a while we went to pick up Colten at his house. From there, she said we were going to pick up Jonathan and Colten freaked out. He started talking about how he didn't want to go to Jon's house because Jon made him feel uncomfortable. We told him to get over it because he was going to be with us the whole night anyway. We went to Jon's house, practically forcing Colten to come and begging him to not walk home.

I personally believe we walked in on Jonathan masturbating, mainly because Emily does those "knock and open at the same time" entrances and his bed squeaked as he blurted out, "Hello!?" I laughed on the inside. He was watching Prison Break. I don't know how many straight guys masturbate to Prison Break, but I found this awkward. We sat down and watched the remainder of an episode with him. Colten was just sitting quietly, not looking over at Jonathan. I couldn'tunderstand why Jonathan made Colten so uncomfortable. I would have asked him, but it wouldn't have made things any better.

After Prison Break we drive over to Emily's house. Colten was paranoid about sitting in the back of my car with Jonathan, so he raced Emily to the front seat. Colten definitely felt stupid when Jonathan drove himself over. It was way windy outside and I wondered how exactly this bonfire was going to work. Emily had planned to use her old Christmas tree as firewood. She and Colten went to get chairs to sit. That made things awkward, because that meant that Jonathan and I were standing alone for the first time in years. I couldn't find a thing to say at all. It was silent for a long, long while. I kept taking my cell phone out to pretend check for texts. Unfortunately, the gods were against me on this one. I couldn't find anything to say. When I finally was going to blurt something out, Emily and Colten came back with chairs. We sat down and looked at the fire. Then Emily decided she was going to go get us drinks and Colten volunteered himself to go with her. So Jonathan and I were alone again. This time, though, I actually got a text message that entertained me for a little while... a very small little while. The words, "So, Jon, how was jail?" almost escaped the tip of my tongue but I figured it wasn't right to delve into something like that.

To break the silence, Jonathan took out his phone and started playing music. It was the horrendous "music" that kids listen to nowadays, like Escape The Fate and The Devil Wears Prada. I almost passed out due to lack of musicality that came out of his phone. It's a good thing he changed the music to "something gay," as he liked to put it. I had never heard of the artists we listened to afterward, but obviously he wasn't too fond of it. My views on this: He was greatly fond of this "gay" music. It just didn't fit in with his "bad" image.

The fire died quickly... especially after I announced to everyone that it was a lame bonfire. We put it out and went inside to play cards. This is where things got weird. We start playing card games. I don't remember what games they were, but I do remember that Jonathan learned them while he was in jail. We played on Emily's small dinner table. It was a four-person table and Colten had a hard time deciding where he was going to sit. Jonathan sat down first, and Colten was contemplating sitting in front of him or beside him. I made the decision for him by sitting in front of Jonathan. We started playing games and I noticed that Colten wouldn't look at Jonathan for anything, only his hands. Only his hands when he was shuffling cards or when he'd put a card down, but never his face. On the other hand, Jonathan wouldn't stop looking at me. It's not like I was looking at him the entire time, but whenever I'd look at Emily or Colten, through my peripheralI could see Jonathan's entire face looking at me. I don't understand why. It's not like I had something on my face or like we haven't seen each other that much since our first year of high school... oh, wait.

While we played cards, Jonathan was asking Colten some awfully rude questions. One was, "So, Colten, if there were 100 dicks on the wall, how many would you choke on?" Colten was dumbfounded at this question and Emily just looked at me. Colten isn't out to many people, and he definitely wouldn't be out to someone like Jon. So I took it upon myself to answer the question and take the focus away form Colten. "Well, Jon, I wouldn't choke on any if they were as big as yours." But... that answer was a mistake. Another question was, "Colten. If we went camping together and we were sharing a tent,and you went outside to take a dump and you found a condom in your ass, would you tell anyone?" Okay. Umm, what the fuck. Who asks questions like that? Colten was literally the definition of an ellipse at that moment, so I answered again. "Jon, you don't ask people those kinds of questions.But if I were Colten... I'd definitely share with the world. I'd even show it to everyone."

Ugh. I know. Disgusting answer. I wouldn't really let the world know, but then again, you're not going to find a condom up there. I just said those answers to make Jonathan shut up and it worked. Unfortunately for me, I gave Jonathan the impression that I still liked him. We had an immature little argument about something where I said something along the lines of "Your face is blah" to Emily. Jonathan did Emily a favor by reciprocating it back to me, so I did the same. Then Jon said, "You know my face isn't blah. You like my face." And that stopped me in my tracks. The worst I could say was "Bitch, please." But I lingered on it. Why did I answer the way I did? I'm usually more tactful about these things. I just made Jonathan believe that I still found him attractive. Why did I just make my life much more complicated?

The night came to an end finally. I hugged Emily goodbye and... Jonathan hugged me goodbye too. HELLA awkward, I say. He said, "It was nice hanging out. Let's do this again sometime." I told him we could hang out at any time. He said, "Hooray! I have friends!" He's always had friends.... I took Colten home. This is when I asked him why he was uncomfortable around Jonathan. He said that Jonathan reminded him of his cousin, the cousin that would make him do inappropriate things when he was younger, both looks-wise and personality-wise. I understood wholeheartedly now. I told him that I appreciated him being around Jonathan for so long especially after what he just told me. He said it was fine as long as he didn't look at Jonathan. I dropped him off and went to bed.

The next day Emily texts me and asks if I want to hang out with her and Jon. I tell her that I couldn't go, so later she texts me and says that all she and Jon did was play cards and had a conversation. She said that I came up in the conversation briefly. Jon said that "it was nice getting to re-meet [me] again." Awkward, but that's exactly what it was. Re-meeting and old friend. And I didn't know how I felt about that. Because in a way he shouldn't have to re-meet me but instead pick up where he left off. But in retrospect, he's right because we've both changed from what we used to be. Last time he truly talked to me I was in my "oh i love jonathan so much b-kuz he's ma best friend and MMMM SO SEXXXI" phase, and now... am I even in a phase? I'll admit that I'm very keen on still finding out from Jonathan exactly how jail was. But not anytime soon. Maybe sometime later when it comes more naturally.

I did hang out once more with Emily and Jonathan. We went to his house and watched some videos on the internet then went outside to stargaze. That night he actually talked to me like he used to, meaning he actually had things to say and ask and contribute whenever I spoke. It was refreshing to know that I wasn't the only one who thought about starting up our friendship again. Emily and Jonathan continued their friendship to the point where she wasn't asking me to hang out but rather people that knew Jonathan more recently.She was bringing him home and spending time alone. I then read on Jon's Myspace status: "I'm ready for a commitment, but I'm wondering if she's ready? If she'll want one with me?"

Just recently I was with Emily when her mother came to pick her up from my house after a day of hanging out. I guess she had lied to her mother about Jonathan. She said that Jonathan was seventeen years old and about to be a senior with Emily in school. It didn't occur to Emily that her mother is a 911 dispatcher and she has access to everything and anything concerning the law. Jonathan's name had come up one or twice in conversations, so she did what any concerned mother would do. She asked around about him and got the truth about Jonathan and how he ended up in jail, which is why she came to my house to pick up Emily. Emily had been letting a felon into her mother's house. Emily lied to her mother about someone two years older than her. Emily was to never have contact with Jonathan from that point on. Emily is going along with this as long as she lives under her mother's roof. Emily told me that she's upset by this and didn't know how to tell Jonathan that she wasn't to contact him at all.

Now that it's only three weeks until school starts, I have no idea how to talk to Jonathan myself. And I think I'm fine with that. I don't currently have any plans of coming back to Kamas at all after I leave for school, and he's just staying here and working. In a way, it's not so much his departure more than mine. That's that, I guess. It was nice while it lasted. One thing's been on my mind though. I wonder if his mother knows he started talking to me again. Will she tell him to not talk to the Anti-Christ still or will she even care? :P

Jonathan's Return

My life just took a change... a drastic change.

I guess the dream I had about Jonathan predicted more of a future than I thought. I said last that I wasn't going to say anything to Jonathan over Myspace or by any means, but after tonight, I want to ask him everything and anything...

Today, Jessie's sister Emily asked me if I wanted to hang out with her in Park City with our friend Davies. We were supposed to leave by 6:30, but Davies was nowhere to be found. We drove around Emily's neighborhood trying to spot Davies' car somewhere, but we didn't find him. We eventually planned on going to Park City without him, but it quickly got too late, so we just stayed at my house.

We went to the store to buy some munchies and we found Colten, who we haven't spoken with in a while. Turns out his phone is six hours away in his cousin's car and he won't be able to get it anytime soon, so he hasn't been able to contact us to hang out. I just thought he had disappeared and he didn't want to hang out with us anymore, and I guess that wasn't the case. We went back to my house and we just chatted for a while.

Jon texted Emily. Colten and I were surprised. Emily explained to us that she went to work out at the rec center with my sister and Jonathan was there. I guess Jonathan was checking her out the entire time, but they didn't approach him right then. It wasn't until later that he added her on Myspace and started talking to her, asking if it was her that he saw working out, and I guess since then they've been talking to each other. She explained that they've been texting a lot and he told her that he doesn't associate himself with his old "friends" and instead is working on getting completely clean and not delve into drugs or alcohol anymore.

I think Jonathan's just horny and he picked Emily as his prey, which isn't bad...

Emily asked if she could invite Jonathan over. My eyes nearly popped out of my head. I didn't know how I felt about that, especially after the dream. Colten said that if Jonathan was coming over, he was leaving. He said that Jonathan made him feel uncomfortable, not because of who Jonathan is, but just because Jonathan has never been around Colten and Colten doesn't like to be around new people. I told Emily that it was fine of him to come over. He said that he'd like to, but he needed to wake up early in the morning and asked us to pop in to his house instead. Colten said he wasn't coming with us, so he went home while Emily and I climbed in the car.

I tried not thinking about the dream or anything about the past. It was as if I was going to meet Jonathan for the first time... but I knew everything about him. I explained to Emily what had happened between me and him and she said that if I felt uncomfortable around him she would take me home. As we drove, though, I was actually feeling quite excited.

We pulled up to his house and got out of the car. We walk to his door and instead of knocking we text him. It's 10 at night and we didn't want to wake anyone up. During this time, his now two dogs come out to sniff us. I recognized one instantly because one of the dogs came and sat next to me as if it recognized me. It was the same dog that, four years ago, got sprayed by a skunk then tried to get in the tent where Jonathan and I were. I really loved that dog like my own, and just seeing it brought back the memories I wasn't thinking about.

Jon showed up at his door soon after took us downstairs to the basement where he lived. He lived with his mom, although I couldn't help but feel drastic separation. I got the feeling that he lived there by default and that his mother didn't want much to do with him, which isn't surprising. After the parents split is when Jonathan got worse, and I don't know how the viewpoints of each person are, but something isn't right there.

Jonathan lives in the basement. It's a small basement, but it's his, which is more than I can say for myself. It's basically a really small apartment sans a stove, which means he probably does his cooking and such upstairs. The first thing that I notice is the smell. It smells funny... it smells like Jon has been living there. The smell of his room hasn't changed over the years, and it was comforting, just like his dog was. The only thing that was a bit awkward was that he was in his pajamas. He wasn't shirtless (and let's thank the stars for that! He's been working out!) or anything, but just to know he was getting ready for bed seemed like we were intruding.

I looked around his room. It was pretty simple. It was rectangular in shape with his bed in the far corner. He had a bigger television than I remember, and he also had a large, wooden computer desk/cupboard and chair that took up most of the space. On top of this desk were three empty bottles of alcohol: Jack Daniels, Grey Goose, and some other which I can't recall. Behind these bottles stood a paper award from an old elementary school and his GED certificate, framed. He had a couple of posters up on his walls, but I didn't pay attention to them. I noticed he had a dresser and on this dresser was an award trophy of some sort. He had a newspaper clipping about a guy our age getting 20-life in prison for something. I didn't read the article because I was distracted by his piercings laying on top of the article. He made a comment about losing one of his ear gauges and being sad about it. He didn't have any other piercings on his face other than his ears, so I hope he's not planning on getting repierced. His bed was unmade, as if he was already laying in it before we came. I had a feeling he was masturbating, as he always did like that a lot, but I didn't ask. He had, at the head of his bed, a vibrating seat thing, like the back of an armchair along with the actual arms. He also had a TempurPedic mattress, so of course he'd want to spend time in his bed.

Emily and I sat down on his bed as we talked for a bit. He said he had plans of attending college for some sort of BA then going to graduate school elsewhere. He asked me if I was still acting, and I told him that's what I was pursuing in school as well as a double minor in music and business. His face lit up when I told him about the music part. He always was a musical fellow. It made me happy to know that he was still interested in me in a sense.

After we talked for a bit, he put on South Park. We watched the pirate episode. He said it was his favorite episode out of all he's seen. "He always loved pirates enough to make them his role models. I remember he never stopped quoting and saying things about Pirates of the Caribbean..." is what went through my head when he said that. "To this day, I still look at Jack Sparrow as my main role model." I looked down and smiled.

Jonathan fronts. That's all he did these past few years. He was still the same person on the inside and only wore masks on the outside. There was a point where he was on the computer and I found myself staring at him for a bit, but not because of how attractive he is, but because I felt inside that Jonathan was truly thinking of changing his life and straightening out his act. It was easy to hide my smile because I find South Park hilarious, and this one was nothing short of that. Secretly, I want Jonathan to become the person he once used to be, but I know that can never be again.

His friends have definitely changed him permanently in some ways. Whatever drugs he did took a toll on him. He was a bit slower. His speech was a bit dumbed down, but that could also have been a factor of being tired. He seemed like a recovering druggie. But, he was fighting to change. I could sense it. His friends also changed him in ways I can't see, but would like to be able to.

Once Emily and I left and went to our respective homes after hugging Jon goodbye (YES, he voluntarily gave me a hug, and no, I didn't feel all "OMG his pecs and his body are so MMM" like I would have before), I started texting her and telling her that I felt great after seeing Jonathan be himself, although I was worried that he found it awkward. She said that she feels as if Jonathan would like to restart a friendship with me. I told her it was almost impossible to forget a best friend, let alone a best-friend-turned-first-crush. I also told her that I didn't know if he looked at me in a different light. I don't know how many homosexuals he's befriended since me, but I have a feelings it's next to none. So if his friends, who like to throw the word "fag" around as something negative, brainwashed him in some sense, I hope it wasn't too bad.

But... my feelings aren't the only one involved. My mother knows that Jonathan and I were best friend than lost contact. I told her tonight that I went to his house and I explained to her how I felt about the situation minus the fact that I found him attractive. She doesn't know that. She told me that she's seen Jonathan work out at the rec center... while being lovey-dovey with Emily. I knew something was going on there, but I didn't know it went that far. Jessie and I know what Jonathan wants: sex. He wants sex, and Jessie can't seem to think otherwise. I tried to convince her that from what I saw and from what my mother described, Jonathan respects Emily and won't do anything she won't do, which is how he acted when he was with Destinee. Jessie wants to unleash her wrath, but I asked her to refrain until I know what Jonathat's motives and Emily's feelings are.

So we're going to have a bonfire later in the week! :D

Bottom lines:

Me + Emily + boredom = Jon.

Jon + Emily + (Me + time) = Heavy observation for Emily's sake.

Jon + Emily + Me + time = Hanging out.

Jon + Me + time = ??Re: Best Friends??

Time = 2 months before I leave for Cedar again.... and I don't know how I feel about this anymore...

yet.

Jonathan

Jonathan was my best friend. I went through a lot with Jonathan. He knew me like nobody did up to... that point in time. I'm actually listening to "his album" right now because certain events had led me to it, therefore creating the basis of Jonathan's entry.

I had a best friend named Zack from fourth grade to sixth grade. We had so much fun together, just fooling around and being boys. During the summer we'd have sleepover at each other's places, switching every day. I met him after he was introduced as the new kid by Mrs. Marchant, my fourth grade teacher. She asked me to show him where all the bathrooms and the offices were, just to get him to know the school a bit better. Since that day, we were inseparable...

...Until he had to move. That day in sixth grade was very sad. He was almost avoiding me all day until he told me had something important to tell me. He said that his family was moving to Sandy. That nearly crushed me. I was losing my best friend, and even though we only knew each other for two years, he and I were like brothers. It just so happened that he moved away... and Jonathan came into the picture.

Jonathan was a boy in my sixth grade band class. Nobody knew who he was because he was home schooled and only came to school for band. After doing the sixth grade thing of going around and trying every instrument before choosing the one we wanted, we both became sax players. I got to know him through there, and it was there when I found out that he was home schooled. We became friends, but not as close as Zack and I were... just yet.

That summer we did summer band together, and we were ecstatic to know that we'd get to know each other more. I met his parents that summer and he met mine. It was sad when Jonathan went on a trip with his family to California. He was gone for two weeks, but he took the trip annually, so I had to get used to it. When he came back we hung out like no other... literally, like no other.

As seventh grade started, Jonathan and I were still friends, but it became hard to deal with the friendships I had going on at school as well as with Jonathan. I'd be in the band room with all my friends from school and Jonathan would expect me to focus all my attention on him, as I was practically his only friend there at the time. I couldn't decide which to put more attention on, and it eventually became harder as I started to develop feelings for him.

That next summer after seventh grade, my good friend Destinee and I became really really close, and I brought Jonathan with me. The three of us were joined at the hip. You always found us with each other. Trouble started brewing as Jonathan and Destinee started to like each other, and I knew it, but they had no clue about each other. They asked me things like "Do you think Jon will ever go out with me?" and "Destinee's so cute. I'd kind of like to ask her out. Will she say yes?" And here I was, stuck in the middle. I wanted Jonathan for myself, but I knew I couldn't ever have him. At the time, I told them to stay away from each other and I made some excuse regarding their parents.

During eighth grade, the band had took a trip to St. George, six hours south of where we lived. I had a room with Jonathan and our friend Cole. We were excited to spend a lot of time together in St. George, and rooming with each other wasn't going to be a problem. It wasn't planned, but somehow we knew that we wanted to talk to each other in private about loads of things, but with Cole there, it wasn't going to be easy, or so we thought. Cole fell asleep quickly, and that meant that Jonathan and I were practically alone in the hotel room, him on one bed and me on the other.

We played the game of truth, which is basically the truth part of truth or dare. We asked each other some serious questions and some not-so-serious questions. I eventually fell asleep. The next morning I woke up with a horrible feeling in my stomach. It was something that I had never felt before in my life. I thought maybe the air in the room was stale, so I went outside and I took a few deep breaths. Jonathan was still sleeping in his bed, half naked. I walked around outside for a bit and the sick feeling subsided. I walked into the room, and Jonathan was in the shower. Cole was still sleeping. So I just lounged around until we were supposed to leave. Jonathan came out of the shower in just his towel... and the feeling came back. He asked me what time we were supposed to go, and I told him I was going to go check, even though I knew the answer.

I went outside and I took some major deep breaths: "What's going on? What am I feeling? Oh, man, I feel so sick... and I threw up. "Ugh... seriously? What is this? And I realized.... I had developed deep feelings for Jon. What I had been feeling was "butterflies in my stomach" but they definitely felt more like hornets. I couldn't believe it. My sexuality was definitely in place and I felt it then more than ever.

My friend Mandy was walking about and asked me what I was doing outside and I couldn't help myself. "Mandy, I think I like Jonathan," were the words that blurted out instead of explaining what I was doing outside. She was in complete and utter shock. She couldn't believe that I had just come out to her... and I couldn't believe it either. She was one of the first people I came out to.

I went back inside and told Jonathan when we were going to get on the bus. He was dressed by then, but those feelings did not go away. On the bus ride home, I couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about Jonathan, my feelings, about myself... it was all very new and confusing to me. Some of the kids on the bus noticed. My friend Kristina asked me what was wrong and I told her... and she was just as surprised as Mandy. I asked her what I should do and she said to just keep it under wraps for the moment. Then I told her that I wanted to tell Jonathan. She told me to definitely keep my mouth shut. She said it would ruin my friendship with Jonathan.

I figured she was right. I talked about it to a few more friends and they said the same thing. Then I talked to my friend Alyssa. She told me that I was better off telling Jonathan now than later. "I'd tell him if I were you. It might make your friendship better. You never know."

"You never know." She was right. But I wanted to know. I was sitting at the very back of the bus and Jonathan was in the front. I gathered my courage and started walking towards the front of the bus, with my stomach feeling worse and worse each step I took. About half way I figured I was making a mistake, but seeing as how I'd already gotten half way there, I decided to go all the way.

I got to Jonathan's seat. We chatted for a bit about random things.
I said, "Hey... Jon. I have something I need to tell you... and I totally understand if you don't want to talk to me afterwards..."
He interrupted. "Dude, there's nothing that'll make me stop talking to you." His gorgeous brown eyes looked at me while his luscious red lips asked me, "What is it?"
"Jon... I like you."

Silence.

"Yeah, I know. We're friends."
"No, I mean... more than a friend...

More silence.

My mind raced. Was he upset? Was he disgusted? Was he okay with it? I had no idea. I wanted to leave right then and there, but I couldn't move. On the inside I was shaking nervously, but on the outside I was petrified.

Then he said, "It's okay. It could happen to anyone. It's understandable." Understandable, my ass. It's as if he knew what I was going through, which he clearly didn't. It was still quiet. I couldn't move. I wasn't even looking at him anymore, but rather the floor of the bus. I felt like throwing up again. Then after a bit more silence he asked me, "So... are you gay then?"

At this point, I knew what I was, but I hadn't come to terms with it. So I said, "Yeah, I guess I am." I wasn't expecting what he said next.

"Dude, you are? You mean, you like guys having sex with other guys? That's so gross, dude. That's wrong." He didn't know how I felt then. I wanted to die. I had just humiliated myself in front of my best friend by confiding my biggest secret with him... and he finds it offensive. He saved himself, though. "But... that's only my opinion."

I had no choice but to ask him, "Is this going to ruin our friendship?"

"No... I don't think so." At that time I wanted to give him the biggest embrace, the largest and most meaningful hug, but I reserved myself. Inside I was bursting with joy for the fact that Jonathan was still going to be my friend after this. I couldn't stand losing my best friend again.

Alyssa had the best advice. Since that day, our friendship grew stronger. He was much more himself with me and I myself with him. I had the best summer of my life. It was like being friends with Zack all over again, only better. We had sleepovers constantly, we'd stay up and talk about everything that came into our minds. His mother was always the super-conservative religious type, so Jonathan hadn't been exposed to Harry Potter or anything "beyond that." I introduced him to hundreds of things whether it be television shows, movies, music, books... It was amazing. The only bad thing that came out of this was that Jonathan and Destinee finally got together, and I did get a bit jealous, but I quickly got over that.

Since I told Jonathan about me he was definitely more comfortable around me... too comfortable. We had a sleepover one time and we decided to sleep outside on his trampoline, but he wanted to bring his Gamecube out as well. The extension cord didn't reach that far, and instead of being men and moving the trampoline, we just slept on the grass, as far as that extension cord would reach. It was a very warm night, so Jonathan stripped. He stripped in a teasing manner. He took his shirt off and threw it onto me. Not that I was staring, but he knew I was aware of what was going on. I loved it when he did that.

As I started nearing high school, I asked Jonathan to convince his parents to let him attend public school again. His parents eventually agreed and we had a great time being freshmen together. Jonathan's parents found out about Destinee and they demanded that he stopped seeing her, but it didn't happen that way. His mom even went and talked with the band director and yelled at him for letting "something like that" happen.

Jonathan became a bit more rebellious during this year in high school. I couldn't deal with having Jonathan and then my other separate group of friends, so I introduced him to the friends I've had for a while. They accepted Jonathan a bit too much, so much that he started to change. He started hanging out with a guy I considered a friend back then, Colt. Colt wasn't the best person on earth, so to speak. He was the epitome of a dumb boy head, and it was rubbing off on Jonathan.

Jonathan sent me an email (because email was the thing to do back then) with the subject "10 things to say to a guy when..." and it was all sayings concerning penis size, such as "That's it?" or "Is it in yet?" Well, it just so happened that Jonathan's parents monitored his computer usage and found that email and thought I sent it to him. His father, also conservative and ultra-religious, comes to my house and spends some time talking to me, mainly about my sexuality. He said that he can't stop me from being friends with Jonathan, but he would like for me to stop sending that type of things to him. He also started talking to me about how I was going to hell and how I was going to get AIDS for being gay. I couldn't find the words to talk back to him, but I knew this had something to do with Jonathan becoming a real teenager, and seeing as how I was the one to ask him to go to public school, his parents blamed me.

Jonathan just got worse and worse, even to the point where Destinee couldn't stand it. Some of Jonathan's friends from his church youth group led double lives: one as a religious goody-two-shoes and another as the anarchist druggie, and they, too, were affecting Jonathan in a bad manner. I tried to talk to Jonathan about it, as my best friend, but he just took it as if it was his father preaching to him.

Our freshman year came to an end, and so did our friendship. Jonathan and I hardly talked after that. It was kind of upsetting when I found out Jonathan dropped out of high school and moved out from his parents' house. His parents, I guess have had some marital problems and eventually split. His father became a wreck and his mom moved into another house. I knew this for sure when I found the for sale sign on his old house. Once that house was bought, it was heavily renovated, which made me upset. So much happened in that house that the owners don't know about, and they went ahead and changed it. It's not like I could do much about that though. The house changed, the parents changed, and Jonathan changed, as did I.

I lost contact with Jonathan soon after that, only finding out what he was up to by word of mouth. Moving to Park City, losing job after job, the tattoos and piercings... I rarely saw him. Every now and then we'd find each other at the grocery store. I went my life without seeing Jonathan for about two years, and I hadn't thought of him. But that one time I saw him at the store, I felt those overactive hornets in my stomach again. I didn't understand why, either. I thought those feelings would have gone away seeing as how I didn't spend any time with Jonathan. I figured that maybe I just repressed them to the point where I thought they were gone.

After that, I didn't see him until this year's graduation, and we know how that went. He went to jail for five months because he had a bomb. I just recently found out that his friend Caleb, a guy we both went to school with, was in the whole bomb situation. Not surprising, but I still cannot believe that a guy I was best friends with would create such a stupid thing.

Then... just a couple of nights ago I had a dream. It was sometime around Christmas or Thanksgiving, but there was frost on the grass and the morning were chilly and brisk. I woke up on my couch to find that for some reason I was getting gifts. My mother got me a kitty and a teddy bear, which I was grateful for. That kitty was like my best friend. We'd play with each other and we'd never get sick of each other. I took the kitty outside while he was laying on my shoulder. I wasn't at my house anymore, but rather an extensively large mansion made of some sort of dark wood. Outside was an open field with a trampoline nearby as well as a shed. It was early morning, around seven-ish. I went to the trampoline and I noticed an abundance of blankets and I decided to leave the kitty there as I went out to explore. I must have not explored for so long because it seemed like one minute went by before the sun started setting. I went back to the trampoline and I found the teddy bear there along with the kitty, but the kitty quickly disappeared. I got on the trampoline and in the blankets, as if I was getting ready for bed. Then a hand came from behind me and traveled across my chest and pulled me close to the body behind me and a voice said, "Do you like your present?" I turned around and saw Jonathan. He was in the same place the bear was. I just flash him a smile and nod in acceptance. There he continues to ruffle my hair in a caressing manner and we manage to get close enough where I could smell the sweet breath from his lips. He inches his way closer and closer to me to the point where our lips touch... and keep touching. This lasted until the morning, where we got out of the blankets and off the trampoline, but not after putting our clothes on. Jonathan was shivering, as the day was again cold, and he asked where his hoodie was. I told him he must have left it inside, and as we walked back into the large mansion we held hands. Somehow time passed inside the mansion and the next thing I knew we were laughing like old times. We never did find his hoodie, but he was fine with it. He told me if I ever saw his black hoodie with gray lettering to return it to him....

And I woke up. It was one of those awakenings where you don't know where you are and nothing makes sense. I thought I was still on this dream trampoline because of my blankets looking like the ones in the dream as well as a black hoodie with gray lettering. I picked it up and noticed that it was mine, as it read "Southern Utah University." And that definitely woke me up. Those hornets were back again.

It wasn't too long afterwards when I saw that Jonathan had added me as a friend on Myspace. I don't believe in coincidences, but rather inevitability. So this was somehow sensed in my dream, but awkwardly. I looked around Jonathan's Myspace and noticed that he hadn't changed one bit: from the Jonathan I ended falling heavily in like with to the Jonathan that caused our friendship to crumble. I accepted his friend request, but I don't know if I'll say anything to him. I don't have anything to say to him. I'm still attracted to him, and I don't think I'll ever stop... and that's what makes this difficult.

Topics:
-Coming out.
-Jonathan.
-Other Jonathan.
-Colten.
-Kaden and Matthew.
-James. First boyfriend.

The Coming Out

Once upon a time, at around the age of ten years old, I began to think that I liked boys. In my fifth grade class it was a tradition that on your birthday, you brought in pictures of you from when you were younger that had memories attached. A boy from my class brought in his entire picture album and in it was a picture of him in just shorts. No shirt, no socks, no nothing. Just shorts. And I couldn't stop looking at it. Back then, I didn't know why I I was so drawn to that picture, but I always looked for it before class started every day, just so I could see it, then once I've had my fill, I was content.

Sixth grade came around, and in middle school, everything was made into a big deal. There were boys everywhere that made fun of me for being who I was, especially during class breaks, only I didn't know what the difference between them and me was. So I used to hang out with girls back then; big deal. My best friend was a guy, so why'd they make fun of me? Of course it had to be that the guy who was my best friend moved away and me, being the guy that was most picked on, had trouble making friends with other guys for the fear that I'd be teased. Naturally, girls were more accepting (if you can believe that) and I started hanging out with my little clique of girls. The teasing didn't stop then. It actually got worse. It spread from the halls into the classrooms themselves. There were always snickers about me, there were always whispers whenever I was around. One time during science class with Mrs. Williams, two girls were sitting in front of me. They turned around while Mrs. Williams stepped out and asked me, "I heard you were gay. Are you? Are you gay? Dude, you're such a homo." and I didn't know what to answer since I hadn't thought about it. So it was all denial, denial, denial, all the way until eighth grade. I didn't know how to deal with it then, so I resorted to cutting. Tools of the trade? Plastic cards, erasers, safety pins, and paper clips. I didn't use knives or razors like most did. Instead, I went with blunt objects. The eraser was my favorite in the way that I'd literally burn my skin off by rubbing it as hard and as fast as I could. Cuts were all around my ankles and my forearms. I would develop scabs and I would remove them by tracing the cut with a safety pin. Blood was my favorite color, my favorite accessory, my favorite mood.

Towards the end of that school year, March 2004, I discovered the magic of reading and the local library. I started isolating myself as far as I could from people and instead read my worries away. It was my outlet of leaving my world, my mind, my life which I couldn't make sense of. "Am I gay? Can I be gay? WHY am I gay? I'm not gay. I can't be. I won't be." I read books about boys going on journeys, about girls being spies, about animals and their importance on earth. I found the magic of words that came from a work of fiction, from an autobiography... from the Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul books. Oh, how I loved to read those books! I absolutely adored reading about the nerd who succeeded in obtaining a prom date or the girl who saved the stray dog from death. These stories were inspiring and uplifting, and definitely an amazing escape from my home life.

My father, the alcoholic, had been getting worse and worse over the years. At this point in my life, he'd get so drunk that my mother would have to take us to our cousin's house across town to sleep, as she was afraid what might happen during the night. I always wondered what my father was like when he came home drunk, and I got to see it one night. My mom and I were in the kitchen table, just minding our own business when the door flies open and slams shut. My mother signals me to go to my room, but I stayed there with her. I wanted to see this. The first words I heard were, "Fucking shit...." He stumbles his way into the kitchen. "My beautiful wife. I love you, did you know that? And... you. What the fuck are you doing still awake?" He was talking about me, of course, and I took that as my cue to leave. I went to bed, but with worry. As I started drifting into dreamland, there was a loud bang. I decided to ignore it and just go to bed, not wanting to cause any problems. The next morning I noticed what it was that made the loud sound. One of the cupboard doors had been torn off its hinges and broken in half. I knew what my father was like drunk now, and I couldn't handle it, so off the library I ran.

On the computers at the library, I was searching the catalogue for books that would spark my interest. Then I searched on the internet for any books that I could get from other libraries. In the process, I came across bored.com, a website full of links with things to do if you're bored. There was one link in particular that caught my interest: "Open Diary - Read life, write life. Description: Have you ever wondered what other people's lives are like? On this website, you get to read about the private lives of people as they want you to see it!" Intriguing if not anything else. I clicked on it, and a whole new world was opened up to me.

It was like the Chicken Soup books had literally come to life. People were updating these diaries right and left, filling the computer screen with their own words about their life, their love, their pride, their joys, their downfalls, and their stupidities. I became hooked. From this day on I would try to make time to go to the library and read a new diary, or catch up on an old one. Oh, the things people would say! Some entries amused me, and some made me afraid. I read people's blogs about everything. From smoking to skiing, from washing the dishes to taking a walk on a new trail, from being loved unconditionally to being kicked out of the house for being gay. I stumbled across a diary about a boy who had apparently been kicked out of his house when he told his father he was gay. I ended up reading his entries daily, day after day, and I was so intrigued by it. Was it because he was gay? Or was it because he didn't let something like that bring him down? Day after day, week after week, I followed this guy around his respective state and its towns and cities as he tried to find a place to call home. Then one day, just like that, his diary was gone. "I'm sorry. The diary page you requested does not exist." The boy I lived vicariously through, the boy who was basically teaching me about life as a gay man, was instantly gone.

That gave me the courage to start my own diary on that site. "Ok, i'm 14 years old, i live in Utah, and I am gay. Yeah yeah, i know. "Another Gay Diary." But i think this one will be different that the other ones that ppl have read. Trust me. So umm, this diary will prolly tell you about all the things in my life. Please leave notes. I've seen that notes are very helpful in some diaries, and i think that I will enjoy them. So yeah. If there's anything else that you want to know about me, just ask and i'll write it down or something..."

This was my new thing. As a freshman in a small, 400 student high school, I could tell my secrets to the world and not suffer any consequences. I quickly made some friends on this site, one of them being a gay senior in high school. All throughout his blog he always regretted not coming out earlier in his life. He always believed his high school years would have been made much easier if he came out. And that got me thinking. What if I didn't want to live my life as a lie? What if I wanted to be myself? Still on my library-induced crusade for books, I came across one titled Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From The Myths Of Boyhood. One chapter was specifically titled "Being Different: Being Gay." My heart throbbed the entire time it took me to finish that chapter. Once I did, I looked in front of me, into the mirror, and I saw myself trembling with fear. My face was a pale yellow. And I said to myself, "... I'm gay." I burst into tears. Tears of happiness, tears of anger, I'm not sure what kind of tears they were, but they kept flowing. I read the chapter again and again, until I realized that it made me feel good. Not just good, but peaceful.

The book quickly became overdue, but I didn't care. That single chapter understood completely what I was going through, and even though I had almost learned it word for word, the feelings that came from the text was unlike any feeling I've experienced up to that point. It was now December 2004. Monday, December 13, 2004 to be precise. Sixteen days before my fifteenth birthday, and there I was in my room, 11:45 at night... contemplating coming out to my mother. I had been thinking about it for days and days before, wondering what was going to happen, thinking about any possible outcomes, and pondering about the worst thing that could happen. The book was in my hands. It was as if the bible; I read the good word and now I was just waiting for the right time to act upon it.

I walked into the kitchen and paced. This was literally the most nerve-wracking moment of my life. Although the book and the diaries from online had given me the courage to stand up and speak my piece, there was absolutely no instruction on how to begin and that's where I was struggling. I guess I was pacing too loud because my mother asked me what I was doing in the kitchen. As I walked to her room, I figured it was best to just let it happen... let it happen.

"Well, i walk into the room and mom says "you're yellow. something's wrong." I tried to hide it by saying "No, everything's fine!" and i gave a weak little smile, while inside i felt like bursting out... just letting it all go... "NO you're not. We're going to talk, right now. Okay, so what did you do?" mommy asks. She gives me this look of stern-ness. "I didn't do anything... it's something that i didn't do." "Then what didn't you do?" I can't get myself to say it. It's a terrible terrible pain inside me that's stopping me, all kinds of emotions running through my body, some telling me to spill, others to hold it in, all expecting you to follow their orders... nervousness, upset stomach... "What is it?" She asks again, now with a look of worry. I feel the tears trying to come out, not hesitating, but they're being held back by something... something unknown...."

I developed a stutter that night. It's something that I've yet, to this day, get rid of. Whenever I get into stressful situations I stutter. I stuttered my way through explaining to her that I had something to tell her, something that my friends knew, something she needed to know. She looked at me with eyes of worry as well as confusion. How else is a mother supposed to act? Her only son is sitting on the bed with her in the middle of the night, him in the worst mental state any human being can experience at that age.

"... I'm gay."

Silence. After what seemed an eternity, she spoke up and said, "Oh, but why?" She couldn't think of anything else to say, I could tell. I wanted to break down then and there, but it never happened. I explained to her my anxieties over the topic, and how much I've wanted to tell her. I showed her the scars from my cutting sessions and how I went along with the cutting. I told her everything. She was completely astounded, as was I. I couldn't stop talking. She eventually had to stop me and tell me that no matter what, she was going to love me, as I was her son, and nothing I did could ever change that. And with that, she told me she was fine with it, and she sent me off to bed.

I walked into my room and closed the door. The air was heavy and I looked like I had just come from a week-long funeral. I seemed lifeless. I had absolutely no energy left in any part of my body. I got in bed. Seconds later, the breakdown happened. It was the most beautiful cry I've had in my life. I was freed from the burden of keeping my life a secret. I was relieved. I cried as if someone whom I loved dearly had died, when, in a way, someone did die. The old me. The me that had gone through so much. I now had a clean slate, and I knew that I was going to be supported by the woman who loves me the most. And that's all I could ever have asked for.

List of Entries to come.

My life, as of recent, has been nothing but a big bore. I might as well write about things that help define me and this blog and possibly make me understand more than what I do now. :P

Topics:
-Coming out. It's necessary. Everyone needs their coming out story. :)
-Jonathan. Best friend turned crush. Ugh.
-Other Jonathan. Ongoing story.
-Colten. Buh.
-Kaden and Matthew. SUPER buh.
-James. First boyfriend. MEGA buh.

These, soon on a computer screen near you.

Ugh. Weddings.

So, I said previously that I went and saw that film, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It's been about a week or so since then, so my thoughts that were sparked from that film have subsided, which is a very good thing.

But seriously. A REALLY good thing. I've always been hard-headed about weddings in general, not just concerning me. Recently a bunch of people I went to high school with have been getting married. I heard about a couple of girls that I graduated high school with getting married to boys they've known for three months. A boy I really dislike got married to his whore two days ago with a four months old bastard child in the whore's uterus, and keep in mind that this guy is a year younger than I am.

I don't understand the concept of marriage. At my age, at least. Maybe they're really in love. They might have found it before the rest of us. But my 19-year-old brain can't comprehend that. So, in my eyes, they're just ignoring their life as a young adult, their time for college, or for travel, or to establish oneself as a person... it's being ignored for marriage. Maybe not even marriage, but just for sex. It's a ridiculous excuse to "saving yourself" until marriage. Purity, my ass.

Amidst all these weddings, I saw that film. *SPOILERS* That entire film takes place during the wedding of the main guy's brother over a course of about two days. The main guy is a whore, literally, who'll date multiple women at the same time. Over the course of the film, which is heavily influenced by A Christmas Carol, he is visited by old girlfriends, and by the end of the film, he realizes that he still loves the first girl he first fell in love with. *END SPOILERS*

Now... here's me just being sappy. But when as I watched this entire film, I kept thinking about all the guys in my past. Mind you... there aren't that many.

Jonathan.
Trey.
Mykel.
Justin.
Other Jonathan.
Kaden.
Colten.
Matthew.
James.

Ugh. Just saying their names really, really, REALLY irritates me. First of all, Trey and Justin don't really count in that list. I met them on the internet and even though we never had anything, I thought I liked them. Trey turned out to be a Dolce Cunt and Justin was too demanding. VERY unattractive qualities.

As for the rest? There's been something there, and this film really made me think about everything that's happened with them. And what conclusion did I come to? Well... it's a bit different with every guy, and that's depending on their respective epic-fail stories. Maybe sometime in the future I'll dedicate some posts describing what went on, but for now, it's irrelevant.

The conclusion?: Where the HELL has my head been?! Why don't I pay more attention to my rational sense rather than my... feelings? Feelings are for losers, and that's exactly how I felt throughout the entire film. I'm a loser. I'm not afraid to admit it. Nobody should. In fact, I'm glad I'm admitting it myself, because then I know I could do better.

So what about marriage? Well, all the while these guys raced through my head, I imagined my wedding. NOT WITH THEM. Eww. I can't even... ugh. BLAH. NO. NOT EVEN. No. I imagined my wedding with a generic man. I can't even describe his facial features, he's THAT generic. I imagined the decorations, the people who'd be invited, and the ones that would actually show up. I thought about the face on my mother when she accepts and realizes that a man is who I'm meant to be with. I can see my best friend Jessie crying with tears of joy, thinking in her head, "Finally! Someone good enough for him!" I can see the cake, the cheers, the dancing, the dinner... and it's all very beautiful.... but...

I don't want a wedding. I never wanted a wedding. I never could imagine it, ever. I always told myself that if I trusted myself enough with a guy that I've known for a good long while, and if he asked me to marry him, I'd consider it, but up until that point, marriage was not in the equation. So there's benefits for married couples. Meh. I can do just fine without them. That's all people get married for. Benefits. And even then some marriages fail. I don't want my relationship to fail. Not that marriage is going to make that come true, as that might happen without it, but the divorce process... to say that you're divorced. Especially a gay male. Maybe they're out there, but I personally have never heard a gay male say, "Yeah, I'm divorced. My previous husband was too much to handle. We couldn't get along."

But... marriage. After seeing the movie, I noticed that it wasn't just about benefits, etc., but rather a celebration. A celebration of two people's love for each other, love so great that it had to be expressed and shared with the rest of the world. So... why can't I have that? Why shouldn't I have that? Why did I think that I didn't need that? It almost seemed necessary...

Almost.

Like I said. I got over this girly feeling of marriage and love. I'm a man. I'm supposed to be focused on establishing myself and making myself stable before I think of these things. It lingered on my head for a couple of days, and right now I am thankful for my man-brain, a brain so manly that it pushed that Disney-esque vision out of my head and filled it with silly nonsense about teleportation, string theory, and hunger.

But...

I'm ninteen and a half. If I'm thinking of these things now... what about five years from now? Ten?

... What about a year from this very date?