Disillusioned

So recently I've done the unthinkable. I've started using social networking websites aimed at homosexuals, mainly gay.com, connexion.org, and gynite.com. I've NEVER imagined myself doing such things, mainly because I feel really young to be using those.

I always had a feeling that anyone that used such websites were only desperate, lonely, horny, willing, and bored... and maybe a mixture of all of those. A guy from my old hall named Nate has a profile on two of those websites. Those adjectives I just listed? They all came from mainly reading his profile.

I love meeting new people. I love talking to new people. I love even just hearing about new people. My friend Jessie and I have come to the conclusion that I am a people whore. I get along with anyone I want to (and note that I said anyone, not everyone), I can relate to most people, and for some reason, people remember me. Why do people remember me? Beats me. I can't understand why a person would actually scream out my name after months and months of not seeing each other and expect to be best friends. It happens all the time though. :)

I was recently on gay.com and on the chat. SO AWKWARD, may I add. I've seen the chat before, but I've never really participated. I never had the guts to do so, because, like I said before, I'm TOO YOUNG to use it. At least, that's what my perspective is. I saw eighteen-year-olds using the chat service and I figured that I was just being a pansy for thinking it was something only older guys do. Then I noticed their pictures.

Whores. All of them. Not like I was expecting anything else. So I stuck with my thoughts. I read some of the stuff that was going on in the chat window and realized that people like to say really random things that don't make sense. I always imagined that all the guys on the chat would be in their early and mid twenties, with their shirts off, with their nice muscles and smooth skin... but that definitely was NOT the case.

The only ones actually using the chat were in their MID FIFTIES. Why would men of that age be on these websites? "Desperate, lonely, horny, willing, and bored..." Oh... yeah. I did say that, didn't I?

So then why am I on them? I'm not desperate. I've gone 18 years without a boyfriend, and when the first came along, it was nice and all, but it only lasted two weeks. And it's been eight months since then. What's that compared to the rest of my life?

I'm not lonely. I've got friends all around me... kind of. Being home made me realize that I had no life before college and hardly any friends as well. I'm definitely NOT horny because that happens only so many times a year. I know, I know. I'm a guy. I'm supposed to be thinking about sex 24/7. Not here, though. It just doesn't happen. And if I'm not horny, then I'm definitely not willing.

So... that just leaves boredom. I guess I'm just bored and want to meet new people. It's hard to meet someone new when the nearest place to meet someone is fifteen minutes away, and without a job, that just gets hard. And... how does one go about meeting someone new?

That's a hard question to answer. I met all of my friends in college through other friends and through classes. I don't have that here. All I have is my father who sleeps all day because he works nights, my sisters who I've already had enough of (and I've only been home for five days), and my mother, who works until late at night. I don't see anyone else besides that.

Why do I want to meet someone new? To meet more new people. To keep myself entertained. It's how I live. I just hope these people don't end up being ridiculous.... like last night.

So there's this boy named Michael who lives all the way across the country in Connecticut. He added me on Myspace four years ago in July and we've gotten to know each other really, really, really well... so well that I pretty much have developed feelings for him. Which is fine. That's not the bad thing.

The bad thing is that I thought I had him all figured out. He's a sweet guy and he's never done anything to make me rethink my feelings for him until last night. He's been away working on a cruise line since the beginning of March and doesn't get home until the first of June. Last night he texted me asking to see my penis, something he's NEVER done before, and something he WOULDN'T EVER do either.

So I figured he lost his phone and someone was just texting me randomly. So I asked him why, and he responded with, "Idk just curiouse." I have a low tolerance for bad grammar, but I get to know people because of it. There's no other person in the world that I've met that spells the word "curious" with an "e." So it was for sure him.

He continued to tell me that he was horny and really wanted to see my penis. After almost four years of knowing each other and trusting each other, he asks such a thing. I'm very confused as to why he kept talking to me all these years and why this finally surfaced last night.

I don't send pictures of my penis. I don't talk dirty to just anyone, and if I did, I'm purely joking. It's not my nature to be filanderous and that open. My friend Jonathan asked me what my penis size was once and all I told him was that it was private information that only a few people know, and that's because they've earned the right to see it. Not all people have that right. I'm very reserved about things like that. Does that make me one of the "useful" ones? The ones that are supposed to let loose as soon as they know a guy well?

Do all gay men keep the "stupid" one around until they think they're going to get something out of it? Something physical? This is the downside of my sexuality. I'd rather have it be anything else than this. A greater risk of AIDS, my hair falling out, or getting rocks thrown at me.... Basically, anything else is better than this. And if this is what's truly and most definitely going to happen all the time, then listen well, all of you homosexuals out there...

Don't talk to me.