Movement #5

Today in movement we learned the box with different types of movements. You know, the box with the different points in space that I learned in winterguard, only less points. We applied the flick, jab, punch, etc. movements to these. I gotta say that it was really hard for me. I totally forgot the order so when Anthony asked me to lead the class in the warmup using this, I was completely lost. I'm glad Payden helped me out because I would have made a bigger fool of myself if he wasn't there. :P

Today In Movement #3 & 4

Today in Movement #3: I hardly remember what we did in movement on Thursday. I guess that's what you get for not writing about it the day it happened, right? I think it had to do with... telling a story in certain planes. We stood in front of the mirror wall and tried to tell a story with just our body, no words. At first it was easy because we used all of our planes (vertical, horizontal, and sagittal) but once we were limited to just one plane, it got difficult. I guess it was hard for me because I'm such a versatile person and I like to adapt to everything and anything to make me and others comfortable. Other than this... I seriously cannot remember anything else.

Today in Movement #4: I remember this one because it was today!! We learned about different terms such as weight, speed, and time, and how they are integrated in movement in acting. We also learned of all the different angles in our box. That part wasn't new to me. I learned all 27 points of space during my time with Urban Expressions winterguard. In class, we also moved towards all these points using our bodies, making a "more 3-D version" of us. During UEX, we used flags to do this, and I found that using bodies is much harder than flags... but I'd rather use flags. :P

Today in Movement #2

Today in Movement #2: On Thursday we played a game where we got to learn everyone's names. We played such game because we all got a person we're supposed to watch throughout the entire semester. After playing this game, I realized that I suck at learning people's names, even though they were repeated countless times. I've just always failed at names. We didn't do much after that though. We turned in some assignments about how we viewed ourselves and what we want to learn to do with our bodies, etc., etc.. I'm supposed to write something insightful about the class, but there was nothing there that made me think of anything else. Sorry, Anthony, but I'm sure this blog entry fails. :P

***

Now. Onto serious business... ugh.

I've got a lesson to learn, but I'm too stubborn to do so. I was talking about the fire with Jordan and Amber yesterday and we mentioned both the one here near Cedar and the others in California. I knew that YouTube was offering a special section covering the fires in California and I was curious to see if anyone had captured the fire near Cedar on video. So I typed in Cedar City in the search bar and a few videos came up, but none that pertained to the fires. Instead, two caught my eye. One of them had to do with police brutality to someone having a seizure and the other was a guy in a green shirt sitting outside.

I watched both of them. The police one bored me to death whereas the other one... I enjoyed. I mean, I really, REALLY enjoyed it. The guy sitting outside talked about how it was his Welcome Week and how classes were going to start on Monday. And I realized that I was attracted to this guy, and a lot. He then showed the Adams Theater, one of the few Shakespearean Globe Theater replicas in the world. It was at that time that I recognized this kid, but I had no Idea where he was from.

I knew I had seen him somewhere. So I started going through his other videos which were very interesting. He talked about how his mother called him a pedophile for being gay, he made that "51 Things In My Room" video, and he talked about his makeup tips that he uses when he's in a show. That's when it clicked. It's ShortPrep Boy whose real name is Jacob.

I watched the rest of Jacob's videos and I came to realize that he's a very interesting guy, and I'm kind of glad he's in Cedar. I think he'll make a very nice addition to the crazy theater group we have. I noticed one of his videos was in Juniper, which made an instant connection with me, as that's where I lived last year.

I showed him to Kelly, and she mentioned that he looked a little like James, which instantly freaked the FUCK out of me. I could have gone my entire life without knowing that he gives the resemblance of James to anyone in the world. I mean, James wasn't bad, but just like I've had bad luck with Jonathans, I don't want to have bad luck with Jameses, and to make that connection, well... it's a kind of superstitious kind of thing.

I don't think he looks like James at all.

He's my height. James is four inches taller.
He's got dark hair. James has brown hair.
He acts just the right amount of "gay." James is too feminine to be gay.
He's got blue eyes. James has... blue eyes.
His wardrobe consists of a lot of American Eagle... and so does James'.
He's got a lot of sexy stubble. James... can have sexy stubble too.

Oh my God. Fine. He DOES remind me of James. But I don't like that story, so I will ignore it. Instead, I'll focus on how he isn't like James at all. Jordan met him today personally in person face to face in front of him, something I can't just do like he did. Jordan told me he's got a really likable personality. Both Jordan and Jacob and their respective friends were on their way to dinner, which is when Jordan called me and told me to go to dinner with him, which I OBVIOUSLY did.

While in the cafeteria, I noticed that Jordan chose a table next to him. So it's not like I could admire from far away because I got the seat that was right behind his. Our backs were to each other, but still angled in such a way that if I looked to my left I could see him for the most part. And, like always, I had the worst luck. I made a chicken salad for dinner. I spilled ranch dressing on my shirt, food fell from my mouth, I tripped over my own backpack, and... ugh. It just wouldn't end. Jordan told me that while I was eating he kept looking back at me. And I don't know how I feel about that. It could be a good thing in the way that he could be interested in me. It could be a bad thing because he could have been looking back at me because he found me annoying. I couldn't tell. I never saw him look.

The worst part happened when I was about to give my dishes to the dishwashers. I was chewing on some ice from my drink while I was walking towards the dishwashers. One of my teeth decided to be sensitive today, so I got one of those sharp pains from the ice, and I made a face... right as he looked at me. RIGHT AS HE LOOKED AT ME. It was probably the MOST embarrassing moment of my LIFE... up to this point of my life.

Now it's safe to think that he probably thinks I'm some complete creeper asshole weirdo that makes faces at random people. UGH. My life...

The lesson: Do NOT like anyone. Did I pass? Nope. I failed EPICLY. What makes this completely different from the James situation is that we're not friends. We don't know each other, although I know him more than he knows me (thanks to YouTube). We haven't hung out, and unlike James, he's already out during his freshman year. I was James' first guy, whereas Jacob seems to have already had experienced. I mean, the guy talks about getting sexted in one of his videos and how he found it disgusting. I find it disgusting too! That's something we have in common!

If anything, I just want to be Jacob's friend. I'd be perfectly happy with that. It's what I wanted with James and with Ian. We're still really good friends, the both of them with me, and if that's where it's always meant to end, then so be it. I sure am keeping my mouth shut a lot more with this one though, because I certainly do NOT want an April situation to happen, nor another James. That's the one thing that's keeping me from truly talking with Jacob, or with anyone for that matter.

I don't want another two week thing.
I don't want anyone to think he's entitled to bossing me around.
I don't want anyone to think they can ridicule my clothes because his are "better."
I don't want to be rejected again.

If I'm taking the chance to actually go out of my way for some guy I've never met before to befriend and maybe have that slim possibility of having some benefits... nobody can blame me for asking for four small, insignificant negatives to go away. I seriously think it's time someone shows me that not all guys in the world aren't Kadens, or Jameses, or Coltens, or Jonathans.

I'm not taking any chances.

Today in Movement #1

Actually, not exactly today, but Thursday. On Thursday, Anthony, my Movement instructor, told the class that we needed to start some sort of journal for each day we attend his class, and since I definitely need to keep up some more, I thought this is a good way to do it. :) So, "Today in Movement" is going to be a recurring thing until December when the class is over.

Today in Movement #1: Today we stood up in front of the class completely still for three and a half minutes. It wasn't that big of a deal. I had summer band for six years where Mr. Barton made us do band commands for half an hour, and ten minutes of it was just standing still, not getting distracted by whatever he did. There are a couple of things that I didn't like, though, like the fact that we were wearing all black clothing. For summer band, we wore whatever we wanted. Anthony likes to keep things neutral, so he asks for black clothes for his class. I had the misfortune of wearing a really tight black v-neck that revealed everything and I was not comfortable with that. The second thing that I didn't like was the fact that everyone was staring at me. I was standing in front of the class with two other people, of course, but everyone else in the class was sitting down, watching us just stand there, basically raping us with their eyes. I felt like a specimen in a box being experimented on and they were just waiting for the results. I tried my hardest to block them out, and I succeeded to the point where I just noticed them as a large black and white blob at the bottom of my viewing area, but I could still feel their stares looking at my exposed body through my shirt and whatever else I was wearing. And I couldn't do anything about it, and that's the part that sucked the most.

College Lesson #9

Ignore the first 8 lessons. They aren't here. We'll start with 9.

College Lesson #9: There is NEVER any time for what you want.

Ugh. So true. I can't sit and type what I want. I can't get up and do what I want. Something always has to come along and change plans, for better and worse. So... I'm thinking of doing a one-time vlog, JUST so I can get things down. It's a new thing I'm thinking about... and it may happen soon, but unless I get internet at my new place at school, there's no way I can keep up. Let's just say:

- I need a job.

- School has started.

- My father's in jail... again.

All will be expanded on.... later.

Jonathan's... Departure?

Time = 2 months before I leave for Cedar again.... and I don't know how I feel about this anymore...

I remember when I wrote that. I was way excited to be back in Jonathan's life again, even if it was for a little bit. Jonathan, Emily, Colten, and I hung out on the Fourth of July. It was supposed to be us and Davies as well, but it turned out his cousin shot himself and was in the hospital the entire time. Depressing I know. What made it worse was that Emily and I were texting and calling him the entire time trying to contact him. We felt insensitive and selfish after he told us why he didn't show up. It was probably better that Davies wasn't there. Things would have probably been less awkward, but it wouldn't have happened the way that it did.

I drove to Emily's house after she said she was going to have a bonfire in her backyard. I asked her who else was invited and she told me Davies was supposed to show up with a bunch of friends. After talking for a while we went to pick up Colten at his house. From there, she said we were going to pick up Jonathan and Colten freaked out. He started talking about how he didn't want to go to Jon's house because Jon made him feel uncomfortable. We told him to get over it because he was going to be with us the whole night anyway. We went to Jon's house, practically forcing Colten to come and begging him to not walk home.

I personally believe we walked in on Jonathan masturbating, mainly because Emily does those "knock and open at the same time" entrances and his bed squeaked as he blurted out, "Hello!?" I laughed on the inside. He was watching Prison Break. I don't know how many straight guys masturbate to Prison Break, but I found this awkward. We sat down and watched the remainder of an episode with him. Colten was just sitting quietly, not looking over at Jonathan. I couldn'tunderstand why Jonathan made Colten so uncomfortable. I would have asked him, but it wouldn't have made things any better.

After Prison Break we drive over to Emily's house. Colten was paranoid about sitting in the back of my car with Jonathan, so he raced Emily to the front seat. Colten definitely felt stupid when Jonathan drove himself over. It was way windy outside and I wondered how exactly this bonfire was going to work. Emily had planned to use her old Christmas tree as firewood. She and Colten went to get chairs to sit. That made things awkward, because that meant that Jonathan and I were standing alone for the first time in years. I couldn't find a thing to say at all. It was silent for a long, long while. I kept taking my cell phone out to pretend check for texts. Unfortunately, the gods were against me on this one. I couldn't find anything to say. When I finally was going to blurt something out, Emily and Colten came back with chairs. We sat down and looked at the fire. Then Emily decided she was going to go get us drinks and Colten volunteered himself to go with her. So Jonathan and I were alone again. This time, though, I actually got a text message that entertained me for a little while... a very small little while. The words, "So, Jon, how was jail?" almost escaped the tip of my tongue but I figured it wasn't right to delve into something like that.

To break the silence, Jonathan took out his phone and started playing music. It was the horrendous "music" that kids listen to nowadays, like Escape The Fate and The Devil Wears Prada. I almost passed out due to lack of musicality that came out of his phone. It's a good thing he changed the music to "something gay," as he liked to put it. I had never heard of the artists we listened to afterward, but obviously he wasn't too fond of it. My views on this: He was greatly fond of this "gay" music. It just didn't fit in with his "bad" image.

The fire died quickly... especially after I announced to everyone that it was a lame bonfire. We put it out and went inside to play cards. This is where things got weird. We start playing card games. I don't remember what games they were, but I do remember that Jonathan learned them while he was in jail. We played on Emily's small dinner table. It was a four-person table and Colten had a hard time deciding where he was going to sit. Jonathan sat down first, and Colten was contemplating sitting in front of him or beside him. I made the decision for him by sitting in front of Jonathan. We started playing games and I noticed that Colten wouldn't look at Jonathan for anything, only his hands. Only his hands when he was shuffling cards or when he'd put a card down, but never his face. On the other hand, Jonathan wouldn't stop looking at me. It's not like I was looking at him the entire time, but whenever I'd look at Emily or Colten, through my peripheralI could see Jonathan's entire face looking at me. I don't understand why. It's not like I had something on my face or like we haven't seen each other that much since our first year of high school... oh, wait.

While we played cards, Jonathan was asking Colten some awfully rude questions. One was, "So, Colten, if there were 100 dicks on the wall, how many would you choke on?" Colten was dumbfounded at this question and Emily just looked at me. Colten isn't out to many people, and he definitely wouldn't be out to someone like Jon. So I took it upon myself to answer the question and take the focus away form Colten. "Well, Jon, I wouldn't choke on any if they were as big as yours." But... that answer was a mistake. Another question was, "Colten. If we went camping together and we were sharing a tent,and you went outside to take a dump and you found a condom in your ass, would you tell anyone?" Okay. Umm, what the fuck. Who asks questions like that? Colten was literally the definition of an ellipse at that moment, so I answered again. "Jon, you don't ask people those kinds of questions.But if I were Colten... I'd definitely share with the world. I'd even show it to everyone."

Ugh. I know. Disgusting answer. I wouldn't really let the world know, but then again, you're not going to find a condom up there. I just said those answers to make Jonathan shut up and it worked. Unfortunately for me, I gave Jonathan the impression that I still liked him. We had an immature little argument about something where I said something along the lines of "Your face is blah" to Emily. Jonathan did Emily a favor by reciprocating it back to me, so I did the same. Then Jon said, "You know my face isn't blah. You like my face." And that stopped me in my tracks. The worst I could say was "Bitch, please." But I lingered on it. Why did I answer the way I did? I'm usually more tactful about these things. I just made Jonathan believe that I still found him attractive. Why did I just make my life much more complicated?

The night came to an end finally. I hugged Emily goodbye and... Jonathan hugged me goodbye too. HELLA awkward, I say. He said, "It was nice hanging out. Let's do this again sometime." I told him we could hang out at any time. He said, "Hooray! I have friends!" He's always had friends.... I took Colten home. This is when I asked him why he was uncomfortable around Jonathan. He said that Jonathan reminded him of his cousin, the cousin that would make him do inappropriate things when he was younger, both looks-wise and personality-wise. I understood wholeheartedly now. I told him that I appreciated him being around Jonathan for so long especially after what he just told me. He said it was fine as long as he didn't look at Jonathan. I dropped him off and went to bed.

The next day Emily texts me and asks if I want to hang out with her and Jon. I tell her that I couldn't go, so later she texts me and says that all she and Jon did was play cards and had a conversation. She said that I came up in the conversation briefly. Jon said that "it was nice getting to re-meet [me] again." Awkward, but that's exactly what it was. Re-meeting and old friend. And I didn't know how I felt about that. Because in a way he shouldn't have to re-meet me but instead pick up where he left off. But in retrospect, he's right because we've both changed from what we used to be. Last time he truly talked to me I was in my "oh i love jonathan so much b-kuz he's ma best friend and MMMM SO SEXXXI" phase, and now... am I even in a phase? I'll admit that I'm very keen on still finding out from Jonathan exactly how jail was. But not anytime soon. Maybe sometime later when it comes more naturally.

I did hang out once more with Emily and Jonathan. We went to his house and watched some videos on the internet then went outside to stargaze. That night he actually talked to me like he used to, meaning he actually had things to say and ask and contribute whenever I spoke. It was refreshing to know that I wasn't the only one who thought about starting up our friendship again. Emily and Jonathan continued their friendship to the point where she wasn't asking me to hang out but rather people that knew Jonathan more recently.She was bringing him home and spending time alone. I then read on Jon's Myspace status: "I'm ready for a commitment, but I'm wondering if she's ready? If she'll want one with me?"

Just recently I was with Emily when her mother came to pick her up from my house after a day of hanging out. I guess she had lied to her mother about Jonathan. She said that Jonathan was seventeen years old and about to be a senior with Emily in school. It didn't occur to Emily that her mother is a 911 dispatcher and she has access to everything and anything concerning the law. Jonathan's name had come up one or twice in conversations, so she did what any concerned mother would do. She asked around about him and got the truth about Jonathan and how he ended up in jail, which is why she came to my house to pick up Emily. Emily had been letting a felon into her mother's house. Emily lied to her mother about someone two years older than her. Emily was to never have contact with Jonathan from that point on. Emily is going along with this as long as she lives under her mother's roof. Emily told me that she's upset by this and didn't know how to tell Jonathan that she wasn't to contact him at all.

Now that it's only three weeks until school starts, I have no idea how to talk to Jonathan myself. And I think I'm fine with that. I don't currently have any plans of coming back to Kamas at all after I leave for school, and he's just staying here and working. In a way, it's not so much his departure more than mine. That's that, I guess. It was nice while it lasted. One thing's been on my mind though. I wonder if his mother knows he started talking to me again. Will she tell him to not talk to the Anti-Christ still or will she even care? :P

Jonathan's Return

My life just took a change... a drastic change.

I guess the dream I had about Jonathan predicted more of a future than I thought. I said last that I wasn't going to say anything to Jonathan over Myspace or by any means, but after tonight, I want to ask him everything and anything...

Today, Jessie's sister Emily asked me if I wanted to hang out with her in Park City with our friend Davies. We were supposed to leave by 6:30, but Davies was nowhere to be found. We drove around Emily's neighborhood trying to spot Davies' car somewhere, but we didn't find him. We eventually planned on going to Park City without him, but it quickly got too late, so we just stayed at my house.

We went to the store to buy some munchies and we found Colten, who we haven't spoken with in a while. Turns out his phone is six hours away in his cousin's car and he won't be able to get it anytime soon, so he hasn't been able to contact us to hang out. I just thought he had disappeared and he didn't want to hang out with us anymore, and I guess that wasn't the case. We went back to my house and we just chatted for a while.

Jon texted Emily. Colten and I were surprised. Emily explained to us that she went to work out at the rec center with my sister and Jonathan was there. I guess Jonathan was checking her out the entire time, but they didn't approach him right then. It wasn't until later that he added her on Myspace and started talking to her, asking if it was her that he saw working out, and I guess since then they've been talking to each other. She explained that they've been texting a lot and he told her that he doesn't associate himself with his old "friends" and instead is working on getting completely clean and not delve into drugs or alcohol anymore.

I think Jonathan's just horny and he picked Emily as his prey, which isn't bad...

Emily asked if she could invite Jonathan over. My eyes nearly popped out of my head. I didn't know how I felt about that, especially after the dream. Colten said that if Jonathan was coming over, he was leaving. He said that Jonathan made him feel uncomfortable, not because of who Jonathan is, but just because Jonathan has never been around Colten and Colten doesn't like to be around new people. I told Emily that it was fine of him to come over. He said that he'd like to, but he needed to wake up early in the morning and asked us to pop in to his house instead. Colten said he wasn't coming with us, so he went home while Emily and I climbed in the car.

I tried not thinking about the dream or anything about the past. It was as if I was going to meet Jonathan for the first time... but I knew everything about him. I explained to Emily what had happened between me and him and she said that if I felt uncomfortable around him she would take me home. As we drove, though, I was actually feeling quite excited.

We pulled up to his house and got out of the car. We walk to his door and instead of knocking we text him. It's 10 at night and we didn't want to wake anyone up. During this time, his now two dogs come out to sniff us. I recognized one instantly because one of the dogs came and sat next to me as if it recognized me. It was the same dog that, four years ago, got sprayed by a skunk then tried to get in the tent where Jonathan and I were. I really loved that dog like my own, and just seeing it brought back the memories I wasn't thinking about.

Jon showed up at his door soon after took us downstairs to the basement where he lived. He lived with his mom, although I couldn't help but feel drastic separation. I got the feeling that he lived there by default and that his mother didn't want much to do with him, which isn't surprising. After the parents split is when Jonathan got worse, and I don't know how the viewpoints of each person are, but something isn't right there.

Jonathan lives in the basement. It's a small basement, but it's his, which is more than I can say for myself. It's basically a really small apartment sans a stove, which means he probably does his cooking and such upstairs. The first thing that I notice is the smell. It smells funny... it smells like Jon has been living there. The smell of his room hasn't changed over the years, and it was comforting, just like his dog was. The only thing that was a bit awkward was that he was in his pajamas. He wasn't shirtless (and let's thank the stars for that! He's been working out!) or anything, but just to know he was getting ready for bed seemed like we were intruding.

I looked around his room. It was pretty simple. It was rectangular in shape with his bed in the far corner. He had a bigger television than I remember, and he also had a large, wooden computer desk/cupboard and chair that took up most of the space. On top of this desk were three empty bottles of alcohol: Jack Daniels, Grey Goose, and some other which I can't recall. Behind these bottles stood a paper award from an old elementary school and his GED certificate, framed. He had a couple of posters up on his walls, but I didn't pay attention to them. I noticed he had a dresser and on this dresser was an award trophy of some sort. He had a newspaper clipping about a guy our age getting 20-life in prison for something. I didn't read the article because I was distracted by his piercings laying on top of the article. He made a comment about losing one of his ear gauges and being sad about it. He didn't have any other piercings on his face other than his ears, so I hope he's not planning on getting repierced. His bed was unmade, as if he was already laying in it before we came. I had a feeling he was masturbating, as he always did like that a lot, but I didn't ask. He had, at the head of his bed, a vibrating seat thing, like the back of an armchair along with the actual arms. He also had a TempurPedic mattress, so of course he'd want to spend time in his bed.

Emily and I sat down on his bed as we talked for a bit. He said he had plans of attending college for some sort of BA then going to graduate school elsewhere. He asked me if I was still acting, and I told him that's what I was pursuing in school as well as a double minor in music and business. His face lit up when I told him about the music part. He always was a musical fellow. It made me happy to know that he was still interested in me in a sense.

After we talked for a bit, he put on South Park. We watched the pirate episode. He said it was his favorite episode out of all he's seen. "He always loved pirates enough to make them his role models. I remember he never stopped quoting and saying things about Pirates of the Caribbean..." is what went through my head when he said that. "To this day, I still look at Jack Sparrow as my main role model." I looked down and smiled.

Jonathan fronts. That's all he did these past few years. He was still the same person on the inside and only wore masks on the outside. There was a point where he was on the computer and I found myself staring at him for a bit, but not because of how attractive he is, but because I felt inside that Jonathan was truly thinking of changing his life and straightening out his act. It was easy to hide my smile because I find South Park hilarious, and this one was nothing short of that. Secretly, I want Jonathan to become the person he once used to be, but I know that can never be again.

His friends have definitely changed him permanently in some ways. Whatever drugs he did took a toll on him. He was a bit slower. His speech was a bit dumbed down, but that could also have been a factor of being tired. He seemed like a recovering druggie. But, he was fighting to change. I could sense it. His friends also changed him in ways I can't see, but would like to be able to.

Once Emily and I left and went to our respective homes after hugging Jon goodbye (YES, he voluntarily gave me a hug, and no, I didn't feel all "OMG his pecs and his body are so MMM" like I would have before), I started texting her and telling her that I felt great after seeing Jonathan be himself, although I was worried that he found it awkward. She said that she feels as if Jonathan would like to restart a friendship with me. I told her it was almost impossible to forget a best friend, let alone a best-friend-turned-first-crush. I also told her that I didn't know if he looked at me in a different light. I don't know how many homosexuals he's befriended since me, but I have a feelings it's next to none. So if his friends, who like to throw the word "fag" around as something negative, brainwashed him in some sense, I hope it wasn't too bad.

But... my feelings aren't the only one involved. My mother knows that Jonathan and I were best friend than lost contact. I told her tonight that I went to his house and I explained to her how I felt about the situation minus the fact that I found him attractive. She doesn't know that. She told me that she's seen Jonathan work out at the rec center... while being lovey-dovey with Emily. I knew something was going on there, but I didn't know it went that far. Jessie and I know what Jonathan wants: sex. He wants sex, and Jessie can't seem to think otherwise. I tried to convince her that from what I saw and from what my mother described, Jonathan respects Emily and won't do anything she won't do, which is how he acted when he was with Destinee. Jessie wants to unleash her wrath, but I asked her to refrain until I know what Jonathat's motives and Emily's feelings are.

So we're going to have a bonfire later in the week! :D

Bottom lines:

Me + Emily + boredom = Jon.

Jon + Emily + (Me + time) = Heavy observation for Emily's sake.

Jon + Emily + Me + time = Hanging out.

Jon + Me + time = ??Re: Best Friends??

Time = 2 months before I leave for Cedar again.... and I don't know how I feel about this anymore...

yet.