Movement # 24

Last time we had personal warmups. I didn't make it to class because my phone died in the middle of the night. I don't know what the warmups were like in class but mine was one I do often. It's the one I did in winterguard a few years ago. It includes tendus, the 27 points in space, stretching, and more. It was just the perfect length too: twelve minutes.

Movement # 23

This is the day we turned in our gift assignment. I was assigned to watch Mary in class and in the end of the semester we were supposed to have a movement piece inspired by this person. In the middle of the semester when people dropped out, people's stalker assignments were switched up, like mine was. I now had Marlena and so I started to watch her closely. I had a good amount of information to make my movement piece when my person was switched back to Mary the day before this assignment was due.

Mary... was not as fun as Marlena. She didn't move. She didn't do anything. The only thing I noticed that I could make some sort of movement from was the fact that when she put her arms behind her, she would grab her elbows. The end. She didn't move in any special way and she didn't carry herself in any special manner. She was just... Mary, and I didn't know how to make that into a movement piece.

We were also supposed to integrate something from the class that we had learned. I couldn't come up with anything. So in Mary's letter, I told her that I was switched right before the assignment was due and I didn't have much time to watch her, especially since I never saw her outside of school. That was the main inspiration for my movement piece. It was about Mary waking up as a monster, getting out of bed using the biomechanics we learned about. It also included using the points in space for getting clothes or picking up things, etc. Because I didn't know how Mary was outside of class and I only saw here two days out of the week, I figured maybe she's different than what she's perceived as, so that's why I chose a monster Mary. She was going to put on different masks to fit her mood before she left her house in my piece. I never got to perform it though because work has been getting more and more life-sucking. Ugh.

Movement # 21 & 22

The last two times we worked on more movement pieces, but actually said the monologues afterward. It was intriguing to see what the actual monologues were and not just the movements.

Movement # 20

Remember how we drew our faces and I turned out looking like a Transformer? Well, we were supposed to take those shapes and make a 3-D model out of it. I used pipe cleaners because I couldn't think of anything else to do. It turned out absolutely ridiculous. I attached my 3-D face to an empty take out drink cup from Taco Bell for a nice little pedestal. I couldn't stop laughing at my very own face. It was absolutely ridiculous.

Movement # 18 & 19

On Tuesday I presented with my group on the Alexander Technique. We did a lot of research and did a lot of thinking on how we could apply this as a tangible lesson and not just have the rest of the class sit and listen. So we studied why Alexander created his method and worked from there. It worked pretty well! The other lesson that day was Tai Chi. It was interesting to learn that tai chi could be applied to acting. What I got from it is that basically everything comes from the core with tai chi.

The other day we also talked about viewpoints and the Feldenkrais method. I don't remember much about the two other than they were both interesting. All of these lessons have been interesting, some more than others, but all gave me something new to apply now and later.

Movement # 18

Miming, ballet, and Meyerhold biomechanics. The miming lesson was pretty interesting in the way that they mimed the whole thing with signs. It was also kind of annoying that the mimed the whole thing, espeically when we found out that none of us could speak either. We had to be "unlocked." I liked the lesson nevertheless. The ballet lesson really showed me exactly why I do not want to be a dancer. Payden, Nerissa, and Alisha really rushed through their lesson to show exactly... well, I'm not sure what they tried to get across. It was just really quick and frustrating. The biomechanics lesson was fine. It was an interesting topic to hear about, but I would have liked to see a better example of biomechanics in a monologue.

Movement # 17

We had presentations today. Suzuki, yoga, and Michael Chekhov. The suzuki one reminded me of Peter's class last year and how suzuki was the hardest thing to do in the world. We had yoga afterwards, and they claimed it was going to be relaxing. Let me be the first to say that happened very zero percent, sir. If anything, I felt yoga was worse than suzuki because suzuki doesn't ask me to contort my body in unnatural manners.

Movement # 16

We performed some more movement monologues. I was going to go, but I didn't get the chance. Besides, I like just watching.

Movement #14 & 15

The past two times of class we worked on the monologues and then performed them. It seemed to me like I wasn't the only one that had a hard time with this, as other people said it out loud. A lot of the movements were very dancey, some weren't. I was afraid for mine, so I didn't get up and do mine just yet. Some were really well done, like Dory's. Her's was very moving. Some were hilarious, like Joe's. I also liked what Anthony was having us do. He had us put on neutral masks while performing and had us watch and see if there were any differences between the two.

Movement #13

So, remember those monologues we chose in class? Today all we did was recite them while walking around the room leading with different parts of our body. We led with our heads, chests, stomachs, and legs. It was interesting to see what differences these body parts made. One made my character more confident while another made him cocky and unwanted. I'll definitely keep these in mind for later use.

Movement # 12

So we chose monologues to work on in class today. My monologue had to do with a guy who was severely traumatized by the fact that he saw his father strangle his mother to death. It's pretty simple and straightforward. What we did with the monologue, though, was hard. We had to take the words and put movement in their place. It was hard because my monologue isn't a movement one. We had to point out all the movement words. What did I have? "Threw." The end.

Movement # 11

Today was hard. We were the animals we weren't most like this time. How the hell was I supposed to act like a fish? Oh, you know, pretending to swim around the ocean on dry land. o.O I didn't like being a fish one bit.

Movement # 9 & 10

I wasn't in class for movement #9, but we drew our faces. We looked at our faces and found shapes within it. I did this outside of class and I was surprised to find that I would look amazing as a Transformer. I have some pretty radical shapes on my face, I tell you. :)

Movement # 10 we played around with animals. We were to choose an animal that we were like and an animal we weren't like. I chose a bear because, well, if I were to ever be an animal, I'd be a bear. I'm strong and calm but can also stir up some trouble if needed. What I didn't know was that I was supposed to be choosing one based on movement. It was hard to move like a bear, I tell you. I was partnered with Marlena, who chose her animal as a raccoon. I thought it was a great choice. She really was a raccoon.

Movement #9

This was quite the interesting day in movement. We made shapes. Made shapes, you ask? Yeah. We made shapes as individuals and with partners. It was actually really fun. I formed one pose, and then my partner had to respond in taking the energy I was forming and hold it, and then I had to respond to the partner's pose. Then we ended as a big giant cluster of posers. :D

Movement #8

Rubber bands, huh? That's what we played in movement today. I gotta say, some of these things I don't know how I'll be able to apply to acting. Sure, being flexible and everything is great and all, but what if I have to be sturdy and rigid for a part? A rubber band surely won't help me. I'll just have to wait and see what happens later in life then. Who knows? This rubber band thing may just get me into Broadway!

Movement #6 & 7

Today in movement I wasn't present. But I asked what we did in class to some that did attend and they mentioned that they played around with their bodies pretending to be flame and water and certain elements. The next day in movement there was flame and water as well as clay and some others I can't recall. It was really interesting to see what my body could do as these elements. I've always just thought of myself as a human that's made of 80% water. Being a flame was pretty fun, not gonna lie. :P

Movement #5

Today in movement we learned the box with different types of movements. You know, the box with the different points in space that I learned in winterguard, only less points. We applied the flick, jab, punch, etc. movements to these. I gotta say that it was really hard for me. I totally forgot the order so when Anthony asked me to lead the class in the warmup using this, I was completely lost. I'm glad Payden helped me out because I would have made a bigger fool of myself if he wasn't there. :P

Today In Movement #3 & 4

Today in Movement #3: I hardly remember what we did in movement on Thursday. I guess that's what you get for not writing about it the day it happened, right? I think it had to do with... telling a story in certain planes. We stood in front of the mirror wall and tried to tell a story with just our body, no words. At first it was easy because we used all of our planes (vertical, horizontal, and sagittal) but once we were limited to just one plane, it got difficult. I guess it was hard for me because I'm such a versatile person and I like to adapt to everything and anything to make me and others comfortable. Other than this... I seriously cannot remember anything else.

Today in Movement #4: I remember this one because it was today!! We learned about different terms such as weight, speed, and time, and how they are integrated in movement in acting. We also learned of all the different angles in our box. That part wasn't new to me. I learned all 27 points of space during my time with Urban Expressions winterguard. In class, we also moved towards all these points using our bodies, making a "more 3-D version" of us. During UEX, we used flags to do this, and I found that using bodies is much harder than flags... but I'd rather use flags. :P

Today in Movement #2

Today in Movement #2: On Thursday we played a game where we got to learn everyone's names. We played such game because we all got a person we're supposed to watch throughout the entire semester. After playing this game, I realized that I suck at learning people's names, even though they were repeated countless times. I've just always failed at names. We didn't do much after that though. We turned in some assignments about how we viewed ourselves and what we want to learn to do with our bodies, etc., etc.. I'm supposed to write something insightful about the class, but there was nothing there that made me think of anything else. Sorry, Anthony, but I'm sure this blog entry fails. :P

***

Now. Onto serious business... ugh.

I've got a lesson to learn, but I'm too stubborn to do so. I was talking about the fire with Jordan and Amber yesterday and we mentioned both the one here near Cedar and the others in California. I knew that YouTube was offering a special section covering the fires in California and I was curious to see if anyone had captured the fire near Cedar on video. So I typed in Cedar City in the search bar and a few videos came up, but none that pertained to the fires. Instead, two caught my eye. One of them had to do with police brutality to someone having a seizure and the other was a guy in a green shirt sitting outside.

I watched both of them. The police one bored me to death whereas the other one... I enjoyed. I mean, I really, REALLY enjoyed it. The guy sitting outside talked about how it was his Welcome Week and how classes were going to start on Monday. And I realized that I was attracted to this guy, and a lot. He then showed the Adams Theater, one of the few Shakespearean Globe Theater replicas in the world. It was at that time that I recognized this kid, but I had no Idea where he was from.

I knew I had seen him somewhere. So I started going through his other videos which were very interesting. He talked about how his mother called him a pedophile for being gay, he made that "51 Things In My Room" video, and he talked about his makeup tips that he uses when he's in a show. That's when it clicked. It's ShortPrep Boy whose real name is Jacob.

I watched the rest of Jacob's videos and I came to realize that he's a very interesting guy, and I'm kind of glad he's in Cedar. I think he'll make a very nice addition to the crazy theater group we have. I noticed one of his videos was in Juniper, which made an instant connection with me, as that's where I lived last year.

I showed him to Kelly, and she mentioned that he looked a little like James, which instantly freaked the FUCK out of me. I could have gone my entire life without knowing that he gives the resemblance of James to anyone in the world. I mean, James wasn't bad, but just like I've had bad luck with Jonathans, I don't want to have bad luck with Jameses, and to make that connection, well... it's a kind of superstitious kind of thing.

I don't think he looks like James at all.

He's my height. James is four inches taller.
He's got dark hair. James has brown hair.
He acts just the right amount of "gay." James is too feminine to be gay.
He's got blue eyes. James has... blue eyes.
His wardrobe consists of a lot of American Eagle... and so does James'.
He's got a lot of sexy stubble. James... can have sexy stubble too.

Oh my God. Fine. He DOES remind me of James. But I don't like that story, so I will ignore it. Instead, I'll focus on how he isn't like James at all. Jordan met him today personally in person face to face in front of him, something I can't just do like he did. Jordan told me he's got a really likable personality. Both Jordan and Jacob and their respective friends were on their way to dinner, which is when Jordan called me and told me to go to dinner with him, which I OBVIOUSLY did.

While in the cafeteria, I noticed that Jordan chose a table next to him. So it's not like I could admire from far away because I got the seat that was right behind his. Our backs were to each other, but still angled in such a way that if I looked to my left I could see him for the most part. And, like always, I had the worst luck. I made a chicken salad for dinner. I spilled ranch dressing on my shirt, food fell from my mouth, I tripped over my own backpack, and... ugh. It just wouldn't end. Jordan told me that while I was eating he kept looking back at me. And I don't know how I feel about that. It could be a good thing in the way that he could be interested in me. It could be a bad thing because he could have been looking back at me because he found me annoying. I couldn't tell. I never saw him look.

The worst part happened when I was about to give my dishes to the dishwashers. I was chewing on some ice from my drink while I was walking towards the dishwashers. One of my teeth decided to be sensitive today, so I got one of those sharp pains from the ice, and I made a face... right as he looked at me. RIGHT AS HE LOOKED AT ME. It was probably the MOST embarrassing moment of my LIFE... up to this point of my life.

Now it's safe to think that he probably thinks I'm some complete creeper asshole weirdo that makes faces at random people. UGH. My life...

The lesson: Do NOT like anyone. Did I pass? Nope. I failed EPICLY. What makes this completely different from the James situation is that we're not friends. We don't know each other, although I know him more than he knows me (thanks to YouTube). We haven't hung out, and unlike James, he's already out during his freshman year. I was James' first guy, whereas Jacob seems to have already had experienced. I mean, the guy talks about getting sexted in one of his videos and how he found it disgusting. I find it disgusting too! That's something we have in common!

If anything, I just want to be Jacob's friend. I'd be perfectly happy with that. It's what I wanted with James and with Ian. We're still really good friends, the both of them with me, and if that's where it's always meant to end, then so be it. I sure am keeping my mouth shut a lot more with this one though, because I certainly do NOT want an April situation to happen, nor another James. That's the one thing that's keeping me from truly talking with Jacob, or with anyone for that matter.

I don't want another two week thing.
I don't want anyone to think he's entitled to bossing me around.
I don't want anyone to think they can ridicule my clothes because his are "better."
I don't want to be rejected again.

If I'm taking the chance to actually go out of my way for some guy I've never met before to befriend and maybe have that slim possibility of having some benefits... nobody can blame me for asking for four small, insignificant negatives to go away. I seriously think it's time someone shows me that not all guys in the world aren't Kadens, or Jameses, or Coltens, or Jonathans.

I'm not taking any chances.

Today in Movement #1

Actually, not exactly today, but Thursday. On Thursday, Anthony, my Movement instructor, told the class that we needed to start some sort of journal for each day we attend his class, and since I definitely need to keep up some more, I thought this is a good way to do it. :) So, "Today in Movement" is going to be a recurring thing until December when the class is over.

Today in Movement #1: Today we stood up in front of the class completely still for three and a half minutes. It wasn't that big of a deal. I had summer band for six years where Mr. Barton made us do band commands for half an hour, and ten minutes of it was just standing still, not getting distracted by whatever he did. There are a couple of things that I didn't like, though, like the fact that we were wearing all black clothing. For summer band, we wore whatever we wanted. Anthony likes to keep things neutral, so he asks for black clothes for his class. I had the misfortune of wearing a really tight black v-neck that revealed everything and I was not comfortable with that. The second thing that I didn't like was the fact that everyone was staring at me. I was standing in front of the class with two other people, of course, but everyone else in the class was sitting down, watching us just stand there, basically raping us with their eyes. I felt like a specimen in a box being experimented on and they were just waiting for the results. I tried my hardest to block them out, and I succeeded to the point where I just noticed them as a large black and white blob at the bottom of my viewing area, but I could still feel their stares looking at my exposed body through my shirt and whatever else I was wearing. And I couldn't do anything about it, and that's the part that sucked the most.

College Lesson #9

Ignore the first 8 lessons. They aren't here. We'll start with 9.

College Lesson #9: There is NEVER any time for what you want.

Ugh. So true. I can't sit and type what I want. I can't get up and do what I want. Something always has to come along and change plans, for better and worse. So... I'm thinking of doing a one-time vlog, JUST so I can get things down. It's a new thing I'm thinking about... and it may happen soon, but unless I get internet at my new place at school, there's no way I can keep up. Let's just say:

- I need a job.

- School has started.

- My father's in jail... again.

All will be expanded on.... later.

Jonathan's... Departure?

Time = 2 months before I leave for Cedar again.... and I don't know how I feel about this anymore...

I remember when I wrote that. I was way excited to be back in Jonathan's life again, even if it was for a little bit. Jonathan, Emily, Colten, and I hung out on the Fourth of July. It was supposed to be us and Davies as well, but it turned out his cousin shot himself and was in the hospital the entire time. Depressing I know. What made it worse was that Emily and I were texting and calling him the entire time trying to contact him. We felt insensitive and selfish after he told us why he didn't show up. It was probably better that Davies wasn't there. Things would have probably been less awkward, but it wouldn't have happened the way that it did.

I drove to Emily's house after she said she was going to have a bonfire in her backyard. I asked her who else was invited and she told me Davies was supposed to show up with a bunch of friends. After talking for a while we went to pick up Colten at his house. From there, she said we were going to pick up Jonathan and Colten freaked out. He started talking about how he didn't want to go to Jon's house because Jon made him feel uncomfortable. We told him to get over it because he was going to be with us the whole night anyway. We went to Jon's house, practically forcing Colten to come and begging him to not walk home.

I personally believe we walked in on Jonathan masturbating, mainly because Emily does those "knock and open at the same time" entrances and his bed squeaked as he blurted out, "Hello!?" I laughed on the inside. He was watching Prison Break. I don't know how many straight guys masturbate to Prison Break, but I found this awkward. We sat down and watched the remainder of an episode with him. Colten was just sitting quietly, not looking over at Jonathan. I couldn'tunderstand why Jonathan made Colten so uncomfortable. I would have asked him, but it wouldn't have made things any better.

After Prison Break we drive over to Emily's house. Colten was paranoid about sitting in the back of my car with Jonathan, so he raced Emily to the front seat. Colten definitely felt stupid when Jonathan drove himself over. It was way windy outside and I wondered how exactly this bonfire was going to work. Emily had planned to use her old Christmas tree as firewood. She and Colten went to get chairs to sit. That made things awkward, because that meant that Jonathan and I were standing alone for the first time in years. I couldn't find a thing to say at all. It was silent for a long, long while. I kept taking my cell phone out to pretend check for texts. Unfortunately, the gods were against me on this one. I couldn't find anything to say. When I finally was going to blurt something out, Emily and Colten came back with chairs. We sat down and looked at the fire. Then Emily decided she was going to go get us drinks and Colten volunteered himself to go with her. So Jonathan and I were alone again. This time, though, I actually got a text message that entertained me for a little while... a very small little while. The words, "So, Jon, how was jail?" almost escaped the tip of my tongue but I figured it wasn't right to delve into something like that.

To break the silence, Jonathan took out his phone and started playing music. It was the horrendous "music" that kids listen to nowadays, like Escape The Fate and The Devil Wears Prada. I almost passed out due to lack of musicality that came out of his phone. It's a good thing he changed the music to "something gay," as he liked to put it. I had never heard of the artists we listened to afterward, but obviously he wasn't too fond of it. My views on this: He was greatly fond of this "gay" music. It just didn't fit in with his "bad" image.

The fire died quickly... especially after I announced to everyone that it was a lame bonfire. We put it out and went inside to play cards. This is where things got weird. We start playing card games. I don't remember what games they were, but I do remember that Jonathan learned them while he was in jail. We played on Emily's small dinner table. It was a four-person table and Colten had a hard time deciding where he was going to sit. Jonathan sat down first, and Colten was contemplating sitting in front of him or beside him. I made the decision for him by sitting in front of Jonathan. We started playing games and I noticed that Colten wouldn't look at Jonathan for anything, only his hands. Only his hands when he was shuffling cards or when he'd put a card down, but never his face. On the other hand, Jonathan wouldn't stop looking at me. It's not like I was looking at him the entire time, but whenever I'd look at Emily or Colten, through my peripheralI could see Jonathan's entire face looking at me. I don't understand why. It's not like I had something on my face or like we haven't seen each other that much since our first year of high school... oh, wait.

While we played cards, Jonathan was asking Colten some awfully rude questions. One was, "So, Colten, if there were 100 dicks on the wall, how many would you choke on?" Colten was dumbfounded at this question and Emily just looked at me. Colten isn't out to many people, and he definitely wouldn't be out to someone like Jon. So I took it upon myself to answer the question and take the focus away form Colten. "Well, Jon, I wouldn't choke on any if they were as big as yours." But... that answer was a mistake. Another question was, "Colten. If we went camping together and we were sharing a tent,and you went outside to take a dump and you found a condom in your ass, would you tell anyone?" Okay. Umm, what the fuck. Who asks questions like that? Colten was literally the definition of an ellipse at that moment, so I answered again. "Jon, you don't ask people those kinds of questions.But if I were Colten... I'd definitely share with the world. I'd even show it to everyone."

Ugh. I know. Disgusting answer. I wouldn't really let the world know, but then again, you're not going to find a condom up there. I just said those answers to make Jonathan shut up and it worked. Unfortunately for me, I gave Jonathan the impression that I still liked him. We had an immature little argument about something where I said something along the lines of "Your face is blah" to Emily. Jonathan did Emily a favor by reciprocating it back to me, so I did the same. Then Jon said, "You know my face isn't blah. You like my face." And that stopped me in my tracks. The worst I could say was "Bitch, please." But I lingered on it. Why did I answer the way I did? I'm usually more tactful about these things. I just made Jonathan believe that I still found him attractive. Why did I just make my life much more complicated?

The night came to an end finally. I hugged Emily goodbye and... Jonathan hugged me goodbye too. HELLA awkward, I say. He said, "It was nice hanging out. Let's do this again sometime." I told him we could hang out at any time. He said, "Hooray! I have friends!" He's always had friends.... I took Colten home. This is when I asked him why he was uncomfortable around Jonathan. He said that Jonathan reminded him of his cousin, the cousin that would make him do inappropriate things when he was younger, both looks-wise and personality-wise. I understood wholeheartedly now. I told him that I appreciated him being around Jonathan for so long especially after what he just told me. He said it was fine as long as he didn't look at Jonathan. I dropped him off and went to bed.

The next day Emily texts me and asks if I want to hang out with her and Jon. I tell her that I couldn't go, so later she texts me and says that all she and Jon did was play cards and had a conversation. She said that I came up in the conversation briefly. Jon said that "it was nice getting to re-meet [me] again." Awkward, but that's exactly what it was. Re-meeting and old friend. And I didn't know how I felt about that. Because in a way he shouldn't have to re-meet me but instead pick up where he left off. But in retrospect, he's right because we've both changed from what we used to be. Last time he truly talked to me I was in my "oh i love jonathan so much b-kuz he's ma best friend and MMMM SO SEXXXI" phase, and now... am I even in a phase? I'll admit that I'm very keen on still finding out from Jonathan exactly how jail was. But not anytime soon. Maybe sometime later when it comes more naturally.

I did hang out once more with Emily and Jonathan. We went to his house and watched some videos on the internet then went outside to stargaze. That night he actually talked to me like he used to, meaning he actually had things to say and ask and contribute whenever I spoke. It was refreshing to know that I wasn't the only one who thought about starting up our friendship again. Emily and Jonathan continued their friendship to the point where she wasn't asking me to hang out but rather people that knew Jonathan more recently.She was bringing him home and spending time alone. I then read on Jon's Myspace status: "I'm ready for a commitment, but I'm wondering if she's ready? If she'll want one with me?"

Just recently I was with Emily when her mother came to pick her up from my house after a day of hanging out. I guess she had lied to her mother about Jonathan. She said that Jonathan was seventeen years old and about to be a senior with Emily in school. It didn't occur to Emily that her mother is a 911 dispatcher and she has access to everything and anything concerning the law. Jonathan's name had come up one or twice in conversations, so she did what any concerned mother would do. She asked around about him and got the truth about Jonathan and how he ended up in jail, which is why she came to my house to pick up Emily. Emily had been letting a felon into her mother's house. Emily lied to her mother about someone two years older than her. Emily was to never have contact with Jonathan from that point on. Emily is going along with this as long as she lives under her mother's roof. Emily told me that she's upset by this and didn't know how to tell Jonathan that she wasn't to contact him at all.

Now that it's only three weeks until school starts, I have no idea how to talk to Jonathan myself. And I think I'm fine with that. I don't currently have any plans of coming back to Kamas at all after I leave for school, and he's just staying here and working. In a way, it's not so much his departure more than mine. That's that, I guess. It was nice while it lasted. One thing's been on my mind though. I wonder if his mother knows he started talking to me again. Will she tell him to not talk to the Anti-Christ still or will she even care? :P

Jonathan's Return

My life just took a change... a drastic change.

I guess the dream I had about Jonathan predicted more of a future than I thought. I said last that I wasn't going to say anything to Jonathan over Myspace or by any means, but after tonight, I want to ask him everything and anything...

Today, Jessie's sister Emily asked me if I wanted to hang out with her in Park City with our friend Davies. We were supposed to leave by 6:30, but Davies was nowhere to be found. We drove around Emily's neighborhood trying to spot Davies' car somewhere, but we didn't find him. We eventually planned on going to Park City without him, but it quickly got too late, so we just stayed at my house.

We went to the store to buy some munchies and we found Colten, who we haven't spoken with in a while. Turns out his phone is six hours away in his cousin's car and he won't be able to get it anytime soon, so he hasn't been able to contact us to hang out. I just thought he had disappeared and he didn't want to hang out with us anymore, and I guess that wasn't the case. We went back to my house and we just chatted for a while.

Jon texted Emily. Colten and I were surprised. Emily explained to us that she went to work out at the rec center with my sister and Jonathan was there. I guess Jonathan was checking her out the entire time, but they didn't approach him right then. It wasn't until later that he added her on Myspace and started talking to her, asking if it was her that he saw working out, and I guess since then they've been talking to each other. She explained that they've been texting a lot and he told her that he doesn't associate himself with his old "friends" and instead is working on getting completely clean and not delve into drugs or alcohol anymore.

I think Jonathan's just horny and he picked Emily as his prey, which isn't bad...

Emily asked if she could invite Jonathan over. My eyes nearly popped out of my head. I didn't know how I felt about that, especially after the dream. Colten said that if Jonathan was coming over, he was leaving. He said that Jonathan made him feel uncomfortable, not because of who Jonathan is, but just because Jonathan has never been around Colten and Colten doesn't like to be around new people. I told Emily that it was fine of him to come over. He said that he'd like to, but he needed to wake up early in the morning and asked us to pop in to his house instead. Colten said he wasn't coming with us, so he went home while Emily and I climbed in the car.

I tried not thinking about the dream or anything about the past. It was as if I was going to meet Jonathan for the first time... but I knew everything about him. I explained to Emily what had happened between me and him and she said that if I felt uncomfortable around him she would take me home. As we drove, though, I was actually feeling quite excited.

We pulled up to his house and got out of the car. We walk to his door and instead of knocking we text him. It's 10 at night and we didn't want to wake anyone up. During this time, his now two dogs come out to sniff us. I recognized one instantly because one of the dogs came and sat next to me as if it recognized me. It was the same dog that, four years ago, got sprayed by a skunk then tried to get in the tent where Jonathan and I were. I really loved that dog like my own, and just seeing it brought back the memories I wasn't thinking about.

Jon showed up at his door soon after took us downstairs to the basement where he lived. He lived with his mom, although I couldn't help but feel drastic separation. I got the feeling that he lived there by default and that his mother didn't want much to do with him, which isn't surprising. After the parents split is when Jonathan got worse, and I don't know how the viewpoints of each person are, but something isn't right there.

Jonathan lives in the basement. It's a small basement, but it's his, which is more than I can say for myself. It's basically a really small apartment sans a stove, which means he probably does his cooking and such upstairs. The first thing that I notice is the smell. It smells funny... it smells like Jon has been living there. The smell of his room hasn't changed over the years, and it was comforting, just like his dog was. The only thing that was a bit awkward was that he was in his pajamas. He wasn't shirtless (and let's thank the stars for that! He's been working out!) or anything, but just to know he was getting ready for bed seemed like we were intruding.

I looked around his room. It was pretty simple. It was rectangular in shape with his bed in the far corner. He had a bigger television than I remember, and he also had a large, wooden computer desk/cupboard and chair that took up most of the space. On top of this desk were three empty bottles of alcohol: Jack Daniels, Grey Goose, and some other which I can't recall. Behind these bottles stood a paper award from an old elementary school and his GED certificate, framed. He had a couple of posters up on his walls, but I didn't pay attention to them. I noticed he had a dresser and on this dresser was an award trophy of some sort. He had a newspaper clipping about a guy our age getting 20-life in prison for something. I didn't read the article because I was distracted by his piercings laying on top of the article. He made a comment about losing one of his ear gauges and being sad about it. He didn't have any other piercings on his face other than his ears, so I hope he's not planning on getting repierced. His bed was unmade, as if he was already laying in it before we came. I had a feeling he was masturbating, as he always did like that a lot, but I didn't ask. He had, at the head of his bed, a vibrating seat thing, like the back of an armchair along with the actual arms. He also had a TempurPedic mattress, so of course he'd want to spend time in his bed.

Emily and I sat down on his bed as we talked for a bit. He said he had plans of attending college for some sort of BA then going to graduate school elsewhere. He asked me if I was still acting, and I told him that's what I was pursuing in school as well as a double minor in music and business. His face lit up when I told him about the music part. He always was a musical fellow. It made me happy to know that he was still interested in me in a sense.

After we talked for a bit, he put on South Park. We watched the pirate episode. He said it was his favorite episode out of all he's seen. "He always loved pirates enough to make them his role models. I remember he never stopped quoting and saying things about Pirates of the Caribbean..." is what went through my head when he said that. "To this day, I still look at Jack Sparrow as my main role model." I looked down and smiled.

Jonathan fronts. That's all he did these past few years. He was still the same person on the inside and only wore masks on the outside. There was a point where he was on the computer and I found myself staring at him for a bit, but not because of how attractive he is, but because I felt inside that Jonathan was truly thinking of changing his life and straightening out his act. It was easy to hide my smile because I find South Park hilarious, and this one was nothing short of that. Secretly, I want Jonathan to become the person he once used to be, but I know that can never be again.

His friends have definitely changed him permanently in some ways. Whatever drugs he did took a toll on him. He was a bit slower. His speech was a bit dumbed down, but that could also have been a factor of being tired. He seemed like a recovering druggie. But, he was fighting to change. I could sense it. His friends also changed him in ways I can't see, but would like to be able to.

Once Emily and I left and went to our respective homes after hugging Jon goodbye (YES, he voluntarily gave me a hug, and no, I didn't feel all "OMG his pecs and his body are so MMM" like I would have before), I started texting her and telling her that I felt great after seeing Jonathan be himself, although I was worried that he found it awkward. She said that she feels as if Jonathan would like to restart a friendship with me. I told her it was almost impossible to forget a best friend, let alone a best-friend-turned-first-crush. I also told her that I didn't know if he looked at me in a different light. I don't know how many homosexuals he's befriended since me, but I have a feelings it's next to none. So if his friends, who like to throw the word "fag" around as something negative, brainwashed him in some sense, I hope it wasn't too bad.

But... my feelings aren't the only one involved. My mother knows that Jonathan and I were best friend than lost contact. I told her tonight that I went to his house and I explained to her how I felt about the situation minus the fact that I found him attractive. She doesn't know that. She told me that she's seen Jonathan work out at the rec center... while being lovey-dovey with Emily. I knew something was going on there, but I didn't know it went that far. Jessie and I know what Jonathan wants: sex. He wants sex, and Jessie can't seem to think otherwise. I tried to convince her that from what I saw and from what my mother described, Jonathan respects Emily and won't do anything she won't do, which is how he acted when he was with Destinee. Jessie wants to unleash her wrath, but I asked her to refrain until I know what Jonathat's motives and Emily's feelings are.

So we're going to have a bonfire later in the week! :D

Bottom lines:

Me + Emily + boredom = Jon.

Jon + Emily + (Me + time) = Heavy observation for Emily's sake.

Jon + Emily + Me + time = Hanging out.

Jon + Me + time = ??Re: Best Friends??

Time = 2 months before I leave for Cedar again.... and I don't know how I feel about this anymore...

yet.

Jonathan

Jonathan was my best friend. I went through a lot with Jonathan. He knew me like nobody did up to... that point in time. I'm actually listening to "his album" right now because certain events had led me to it, therefore creating the basis of Jonathan's entry.

I had a best friend named Zack from fourth grade to sixth grade. We had so much fun together, just fooling around and being boys. During the summer we'd have sleepover at each other's places, switching every day. I met him after he was introduced as the new kid by Mrs. Marchant, my fourth grade teacher. She asked me to show him where all the bathrooms and the offices were, just to get him to know the school a bit better. Since that day, we were inseparable...

...Until he had to move. That day in sixth grade was very sad. He was almost avoiding me all day until he told me had something important to tell me. He said that his family was moving to Sandy. That nearly crushed me. I was losing my best friend, and even though we only knew each other for two years, he and I were like brothers. It just so happened that he moved away... and Jonathan came into the picture.

Jonathan was a boy in my sixth grade band class. Nobody knew who he was because he was home schooled and only came to school for band. After doing the sixth grade thing of going around and trying every instrument before choosing the one we wanted, we both became sax players. I got to know him through there, and it was there when I found out that he was home schooled. We became friends, but not as close as Zack and I were... just yet.

That summer we did summer band together, and we were ecstatic to know that we'd get to know each other more. I met his parents that summer and he met mine. It was sad when Jonathan went on a trip with his family to California. He was gone for two weeks, but he took the trip annually, so I had to get used to it. When he came back we hung out like no other... literally, like no other.

As seventh grade started, Jonathan and I were still friends, but it became hard to deal with the friendships I had going on at school as well as with Jonathan. I'd be in the band room with all my friends from school and Jonathan would expect me to focus all my attention on him, as I was practically his only friend there at the time. I couldn't decide which to put more attention on, and it eventually became harder as I started to develop feelings for him.

That next summer after seventh grade, my good friend Destinee and I became really really close, and I brought Jonathan with me. The three of us were joined at the hip. You always found us with each other. Trouble started brewing as Jonathan and Destinee started to like each other, and I knew it, but they had no clue about each other. They asked me things like "Do you think Jon will ever go out with me?" and "Destinee's so cute. I'd kind of like to ask her out. Will she say yes?" And here I was, stuck in the middle. I wanted Jonathan for myself, but I knew I couldn't ever have him. At the time, I told them to stay away from each other and I made some excuse regarding their parents.

During eighth grade, the band had took a trip to St. George, six hours south of where we lived. I had a room with Jonathan and our friend Cole. We were excited to spend a lot of time together in St. George, and rooming with each other wasn't going to be a problem. It wasn't planned, but somehow we knew that we wanted to talk to each other in private about loads of things, but with Cole there, it wasn't going to be easy, or so we thought. Cole fell asleep quickly, and that meant that Jonathan and I were practically alone in the hotel room, him on one bed and me on the other.

We played the game of truth, which is basically the truth part of truth or dare. We asked each other some serious questions and some not-so-serious questions. I eventually fell asleep. The next morning I woke up with a horrible feeling in my stomach. It was something that I had never felt before in my life. I thought maybe the air in the room was stale, so I went outside and I took a few deep breaths. Jonathan was still sleeping in his bed, half naked. I walked around outside for a bit and the sick feeling subsided. I walked into the room, and Jonathan was in the shower. Cole was still sleeping. So I just lounged around until we were supposed to leave. Jonathan came out of the shower in just his towel... and the feeling came back. He asked me what time we were supposed to go, and I told him I was going to go check, even though I knew the answer.

I went outside and I took some major deep breaths: "What's going on? What am I feeling? Oh, man, I feel so sick... and I threw up. "Ugh... seriously? What is this? And I realized.... I had developed deep feelings for Jon. What I had been feeling was "butterflies in my stomach" but they definitely felt more like hornets. I couldn't believe it. My sexuality was definitely in place and I felt it then more than ever.

My friend Mandy was walking about and asked me what I was doing outside and I couldn't help myself. "Mandy, I think I like Jonathan," were the words that blurted out instead of explaining what I was doing outside. She was in complete and utter shock. She couldn't believe that I had just come out to her... and I couldn't believe it either. She was one of the first people I came out to.

I went back inside and told Jonathan when we were going to get on the bus. He was dressed by then, but those feelings did not go away. On the bus ride home, I couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about Jonathan, my feelings, about myself... it was all very new and confusing to me. Some of the kids on the bus noticed. My friend Kristina asked me what was wrong and I told her... and she was just as surprised as Mandy. I asked her what I should do and she said to just keep it under wraps for the moment. Then I told her that I wanted to tell Jonathan. She told me to definitely keep my mouth shut. She said it would ruin my friendship with Jonathan.

I figured she was right. I talked about it to a few more friends and they said the same thing. Then I talked to my friend Alyssa. She told me that I was better off telling Jonathan now than later. "I'd tell him if I were you. It might make your friendship better. You never know."

"You never know." She was right. But I wanted to know. I was sitting at the very back of the bus and Jonathan was in the front. I gathered my courage and started walking towards the front of the bus, with my stomach feeling worse and worse each step I took. About half way I figured I was making a mistake, but seeing as how I'd already gotten half way there, I decided to go all the way.

I got to Jonathan's seat. We chatted for a bit about random things.
I said, "Hey... Jon. I have something I need to tell you... and I totally understand if you don't want to talk to me afterwards..."
He interrupted. "Dude, there's nothing that'll make me stop talking to you." His gorgeous brown eyes looked at me while his luscious red lips asked me, "What is it?"
"Jon... I like you."

Silence.

"Yeah, I know. We're friends."
"No, I mean... more than a friend...

More silence.

My mind raced. Was he upset? Was he disgusted? Was he okay with it? I had no idea. I wanted to leave right then and there, but I couldn't move. On the inside I was shaking nervously, but on the outside I was petrified.

Then he said, "It's okay. It could happen to anyone. It's understandable." Understandable, my ass. It's as if he knew what I was going through, which he clearly didn't. It was still quiet. I couldn't move. I wasn't even looking at him anymore, but rather the floor of the bus. I felt like throwing up again. Then after a bit more silence he asked me, "So... are you gay then?"

At this point, I knew what I was, but I hadn't come to terms with it. So I said, "Yeah, I guess I am." I wasn't expecting what he said next.

"Dude, you are? You mean, you like guys having sex with other guys? That's so gross, dude. That's wrong." He didn't know how I felt then. I wanted to die. I had just humiliated myself in front of my best friend by confiding my biggest secret with him... and he finds it offensive. He saved himself, though. "But... that's only my opinion."

I had no choice but to ask him, "Is this going to ruin our friendship?"

"No... I don't think so." At that time I wanted to give him the biggest embrace, the largest and most meaningful hug, but I reserved myself. Inside I was bursting with joy for the fact that Jonathan was still going to be my friend after this. I couldn't stand losing my best friend again.

Alyssa had the best advice. Since that day, our friendship grew stronger. He was much more himself with me and I myself with him. I had the best summer of my life. It was like being friends with Zack all over again, only better. We had sleepovers constantly, we'd stay up and talk about everything that came into our minds. His mother was always the super-conservative religious type, so Jonathan hadn't been exposed to Harry Potter or anything "beyond that." I introduced him to hundreds of things whether it be television shows, movies, music, books... It was amazing. The only bad thing that came out of this was that Jonathan and Destinee finally got together, and I did get a bit jealous, but I quickly got over that.

Since I told Jonathan about me he was definitely more comfortable around me... too comfortable. We had a sleepover one time and we decided to sleep outside on his trampoline, but he wanted to bring his Gamecube out as well. The extension cord didn't reach that far, and instead of being men and moving the trampoline, we just slept on the grass, as far as that extension cord would reach. It was a very warm night, so Jonathan stripped. He stripped in a teasing manner. He took his shirt off and threw it onto me. Not that I was staring, but he knew I was aware of what was going on. I loved it when he did that.

As I started nearing high school, I asked Jonathan to convince his parents to let him attend public school again. His parents eventually agreed and we had a great time being freshmen together. Jonathan's parents found out about Destinee and they demanded that he stopped seeing her, but it didn't happen that way. His mom even went and talked with the band director and yelled at him for letting "something like that" happen.

Jonathan became a bit more rebellious during this year in high school. I couldn't deal with having Jonathan and then my other separate group of friends, so I introduced him to the friends I've had for a while. They accepted Jonathan a bit too much, so much that he started to change. He started hanging out with a guy I considered a friend back then, Colt. Colt wasn't the best person on earth, so to speak. He was the epitome of a dumb boy head, and it was rubbing off on Jonathan.

Jonathan sent me an email (because email was the thing to do back then) with the subject "10 things to say to a guy when..." and it was all sayings concerning penis size, such as "That's it?" or "Is it in yet?" Well, it just so happened that Jonathan's parents monitored his computer usage and found that email and thought I sent it to him. His father, also conservative and ultra-religious, comes to my house and spends some time talking to me, mainly about my sexuality. He said that he can't stop me from being friends with Jonathan, but he would like for me to stop sending that type of things to him. He also started talking to me about how I was going to hell and how I was going to get AIDS for being gay. I couldn't find the words to talk back to him, but I knew this had something to do with Jonathan becoming a real teenager, and seeing as how I was the one to ask him to go to public school, his parents blamed me.

Jonathan just got worse and worse, even to the point where Destinee couldn't stand it. Some of Jonathan's friends from his church youth group led double lives: one as a religious goody-two-shoes and another as the anarchist druggie, and they, too, were affecting Jonathan in a bad manner. I tried to talk to Jonathan about it, as my best friend, but he just took it as if it was his father preaching to him.

Our freshman year came to an end, and so did our friendship. Jonathan and I hardly talked after that. It was kind of upsetting when I found out Jonathan dropped out of high school and moved out from his parents' house. His parents, I guess have had some marital problems and eventually split. His father became a wreck and his mom moved into another house. I knew this for sure when I found the for sale sign on his old house. Once that house was bought, it was heavily renovated, which made me upset. So much happened in that house that the owners don't know about, and they went ahead and changed it. It's not like I could do much about that though. The house changed, the parents changed, and Jonathan changed, as did I.

I lost contact with Jonathan soon after that, only finding out what he was up to by word of mouth. Moving to Park City, losing job after job, the tattoos and piercings... I rarely saw him. Every now and then we'd find each other at the grocery store. I went my life without seeing Jonathan for about two years, and I hadn't thought of him. But that one time I saw him at the store, I felt those overactive hornets in my stomach again. I didn't understand why, either. I thought those feelings would have gone away seeing as how I didn't spend any time with Jonathan. I figured that maybe I just repressed them to the point where I thought they were gone.

After that, I didn't see him until this year's graduation, and we know how that went. He went to jail for five months because he had a bomb. I just recently found out that his friend Caleb, a guy we both went to school with, was in the whole bomb situation. Not surprising, but I still cannot believe that a guy I was best friends with would create such a stupid thing.

Then... just a couple of nights ago I had a dream. It was sometime around Christmas or Thanksgiving, but there was frost on the grass and the morning were chilly and brisk. I woke up on my couch to find that for some reason I was getting gifts. My mother got me a kitty and a teddy bear, which I was grateful for. That kitty was like my best friend. We'd play with each other and we'd never get sick of each other. I took the kitty outside while he was laying on my shoulder. I wasn't at my house anymore, but rather an extensively large mansion made of some sort of dark wood. Outside was an open field with a trampoline nearby as well as a shed. It was early morning, around seven-ish. I went to the trampoline and I noticed an abundance of blankets and I decided to leave the kitty there as I went out to explore. I must have not explored for so long because it seemed like one minute went by before the sun started setting. I went back to the trampoline and I found the teddy bear there along with the kitty, but the kitty quickly disappeared. I got on the trampoline and in the blankets, as if I was getting ready for bed. Then a hand came from behind me and traveled across my chest and pulled me close to the body behind me and a voice said, "Do you like your present?" I turned around and saw Jonathan. He was in the same place the bear was. I just flash him a smile and nod in acceptance. There he continues to ruffle my hair in a caressing manner and we manage to get close enough where I could smell the sweet breath from his lips. He inches his way closer and closer to me to the point where our lips touch... and keep touching. This lasted until the morning, where we got out of the blankets and off the trampoline, but not after putting our clothes on. Jonathan was shivering, as the day was again cold, and he asked where his hoodie was. I told him he must have left it inside, and as we walked back into the large mansion we held hands. Somehow time passed inside the mansion and the next thing I knew we were laughing like old times. We never did find his hoodie, but he was fine with it. He told me if I ever saw his black hoodie with gray lettering to return it to him....

And I woke up. It was one of those awakenings where you don't know where you are and nothing makes sense. I thought I was still on this dream trampoline because of my blankets looking like the ones in the dream as well as a black hoodie with gray lettering. I picked it up and noticed that it was mine, as it read "Southern Utah University." And that definitely woke me up. Those hornets were back again.

It wasn't too long afterwards when I saw that Jonathan had added me as a friend on Myspace. I don't believe in coincidences, but rather inevitability. So this was somehow sensed in my dream, but awkwardly. I looked around Jonathan's Myspace and noticed that he hadn't changed one bit: from the Jonathan I ended falling heavily in like with to the Jonathan that caused our friendship to crumble. I accepted his friend request, but I don't know if I'll say anything to him. I don't have anything to say to him. I'm still attracted to him, and I don't think I'll ever stop... and that's what makes this difficult.

Topics:
-Coming out.
-Jonathan.
-Other Jonathan.
-Colten.
-Kaden and Matthew.
-James. First boyfriend.

The Coming Out

Once upon a time, at around the age of ten years old, I began to think that I liked boys. In my fifth grade class it was a tradition that on your birthday, you brought in pictures of you from when you were younger that had memories attached. A boy from my class brought in his entire picture album and in it was a picture of him in just shorts. No shirt, no socks, no nothing. Just shorts. And I couldn't stop looking at it. Back then, I didn't know why I I was so drawn to that picture, but I always looked for it before class started every day, just so I could see it, then once I've had my fill, I was content.

Sixth grade came around, and in middle school, everything was made into a big deal. There were boys everywhere that made fun of me for being who I was, especially during class breaks, only I didn't know what the difference between them and me was. So I used to hang out with girls back then; big deal. My best friend was a guy, so why'd they make fun of me? Of course it had to be that the guy who was my best friend moved away and me, being the guy that was most picked on, had trouble making friends with other guys for the fear that I'd be teased. Naturally, girls were more accepting (if you can believe that) and I started hanging out with my little clique of girls. The teasing didn't stop then. It actually got worse. It spread from the halls into the classrooms themselves. There were always snickers about me, there were always whispers whenever I was around. One time during science class with Mrs. Williams, two girls were sitting in front of me. They turned around while Mrs. Williams stepped out and asked me, "I heard you were gay. Are you? Are you gay? Dude, you're such a homo." and I didn't know what to answer since I hadn't thought about it. So it was all denial, denial, denial, all the way until eighth grade. I didn't know how to deal with it then, so I resorted to cutting. Tools of the trade? Plastic cards, erasers, safety pins, and paper clips. I didn't use knives or razors like most did. Instead, I went with blunt objects. The eraser was my favorite in the way that I'd literally burn my skin off by rubbing it as hard and as fast as I could. Cuts were all around my ankles and my forearms. I would develop scabs and I would remove them by tracing the cut with a safety pin. Blood was my favorite color, my favorite accessory, my favorite mood.

Towards the end of that school year, March 2004, I discovered the magic of reading and the local library. I started isolating myself as far as I could from people and instead read my worries away. It was my outlet of leaving my world, my mind, my life which I couldn't make sense of. "Am I gay? Can I be gay? WHY am I gay? I'm not gay. I can't be. I won't be." I read books about boys going on journeys, about girls being spies, about animals and their importance on earth. I found the magic of words that came from a work of fiction, from an autobiography... from the Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul books. Oh, how I loved to read those books! I absolutely adored reading about the nerd who succeeded in obtaining a prom date or the girl who saved the stray dog from death. These stories were inspiring and uplifting, and definitely an amazing escape from my home life.

My father, the alcoholic, had been getting worse and worse over the years. At this point in my life, he'd get so drunk that my mother would have to take us to our cousin's house across town to sleep, as she was afraid what might happen during the night. I always wondered what my father was like when he came home drunk, and I got to see it one night. My mom and I were in the kitchen table, just minding our own business when the door flies open and slams shut. My mother signals me to go to my room, but I stayed there with her. I wanted to see this. The first words I heard were, "Fucking shit...." He stumbles his way into the kitchen. "My beautiful wife. I love you, did you know that? And... you. What the fuck are you doing still awake?" He was talking about me, of course, and I took that as my cue to leave. I went to bed, but with worry. As I started drifting into dreamland, there was a loud bang. I decided to ignore it and just go to bed, not wanting to cause any problems. The next morning I noticed what it was that made the loud sound. One of the cupboard doors had been torn off its hinges and broken in half. I knew what my father was like drunk now, and I couldn't handle it, so off the library I ran.

On the computers at the library, I was searching the catalogue for books that would spark my interest. Then I searched on the internet for any books that I could get from other libraries. In the process, I came across bored.com, a website full of links with things to do if you're bored. There was one link in particular that caught my interest: "Open Diary - Read life, write life. Description: Have you ever wondered what other people's lives are like? On this website, you get to read about the private lives of people as they want you to see it!" Intriguing if not anything else. I clicked on it, and a whole new world was opened up to me.

It was like the Chicken Soup books had literally come to life. People were updating these diaries right and left, filling the computer screen with their own words about their life, their love, their pride, their joys, their downfalls, and their stupidities. I became hooked. From this day on I would try to make time to go to the library and read a new diary, or catch up on an old one. Oh, the things people would say! Some entries amused me, and some made me afraid. I read people's blogs about everything. From smoking to skiing, from washing the dishes to taking a walk on a new trail, from being loved unconditionally to being kicked out of the house for being gay. I stumbled across a diary about a boy who had apparently been kicked out of his house when he told his father he was gay. I ended up reading his entries daily, day after day, and I was so intrigued by it. Was it because he was gay? Or was it because he didn't let something like that bring him down? Day after day, week after week, I followed this guy around his respective state and its towns and cities as he tried to find a place to call home. Then one day, just like that, his diary was gone. "I'm sorry. The diary page you requested does not exist." The boy I lived vicariously through, the boy who was basically teaching me about life as a gay man, was instantly gone.

That gave me the courage to start my own diary on that site. "Ok, i'm 14 years old, i live in Utah, and I am gay. Yeah yeah, i know. "Another Gay Diary." But i think this one will be different that the other ones that ppl have read. Trust me. So umm, this diary will prolly tell you about all the things in my life. Please leave notes. I've seen that notes are very helpful in some diaries, and i think that I will enjoy them. So yeah. If there's anything else that you want to know about me, just ask and i'll write it down or something..."

This was my new thing. As a freshman in a small, 400 student high school, I could tell my secrets to the world and not suffer any consequences. I quickly made some friends on this site, one of them being a gay senior in high school. All throughout his blog he always regretted not coming out earlier in his life. He always believed his high school years would have been made much easier if he came out. And that got me thinking. What if I didn't want to live my life as a lie? What if I wanted to be myself? Still on my library-induced crusade for books, I came across one titled Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From The Myths Of Boyhood. One chapter was specifically titled "Being Different: Being Gay." My heart throbbed the entire time it took me to finish that chapter. Once I did, I looked in front of me, into the mirror, and I saw myself trembling with fear. My face was a pale yellow. And I said to myself, "... I'm gay." I burst into tears. Tears of happiness, tears of anger, I'm not sure what kind of tears they were, but they kept flowing. I read the chapter again and again, until I realized that it made me feel good. Not just good, but peaceful.

The book quickly became overdue, but I didn't care. That single chapter understood completely what I was going through, and even though I had almost learned it word for word, the feelings that came from the text was unlike any feeling I've experienced up to that point. It was now December 2004. Monday, December 13, 2004 to be precise. Sixteen days before my fifteenth birthday, and there I was in my room, 11:45 at night... contemplating coming out to my mother. I had been thinking about it for days and days before, wondering what was going to happen, thinking about any possible outcomes, and pondering about the worst thing that could happen. The book was in my hands. It was as if the bible; I read the good word and now I was just waiting for the right time to act upon it.

I walked into the kitchen and paced. This was literally the most nerve-wracking moment of my life. Although the book and the diaries from online had given me the courage to stand up and speak my piece, there was absolutely no instruction on how to begin and that's where I was struggling. I guess I was pacing too loud because my mother asked me what I was doing in the kitchen. As I walked to her room, I figured it was best to just let it happen... let it happen.

"Well, i walk into the room and mom says "you're yellow. something's wrong." I tried to hide it by saying "No, everything's fine!" and i gave a weak little smile, while inside i felt like bursting out... just letting it all go... "NO you're not. We're going to talk, right now. Okay, so what did you do?" mommy asks. She gives me this look of stern-ness. "I didn't do anything... it's something that i didn't do." "Then what didn't you do?" I can't get myself to say it. It's a terrible terrible pain inside me that's stopping me, all kinds of emotions running through my body, some telling me to spill, others to hold it in, all expecting you to follow their orders... nervousness, upset stomach... "What is it?" She asks again, now with a look of worry. I feel the tears trying to come out, not hesitating, but they're being held back by something... something unknown...."

I developed a stutter that night. It's something that I've yet, to this day, get rid of. Whenever I get into stressful situations I stutter. I stuttered my way through explaining to her that I had something to tell her, something that my friends knew, something she needed to know. She looked at me with eyes of worry as well as confusion. How else is a mother supposed to act? Her only son is sitting on the bed with her in the middle of the night, him in the worst mental state any human being can experience at that age.

"... I'm gay."

Silence. After what seemed an eternity, she spoke up and said, "Oh, but why?" She couldn't think of anything else to say, I could tell. I wanted to break down then and there, but it never happened. I explained to her my anxieties over the topic, and how much I've wanted to tell her. I showed her the scars from my cutting sessions and how I went along with the cutting. I told her everything. She was completely astounded, as was I. I couldn't stop talking. She eventually had to stop me and tell me that no matter what, she was going to love me, as I was her son, and nothing I did could ever change that. And with that, she told me she was fine with it, and she sent me off to bed.

I walked into my room and closed the door. The air was heavy and I looked like I had just come from a week-long funeral. I seemed lifeless. I had absolutely no energy left in any part of my body. I got in bed. Seconds later, the breakdown happened. It was the most beautiful cry I've had in my life. I was freed from the burden of keeping my life a secret. I was relieved. I cried as if someone whom I loved dearly had died, when, in a way, someone did die. The old me. The me that had gone through so much. I now had a clean slate, and I knew that I was going to be supported by the woman who loves me the most. And that's all I could ever have asked for.

List of Entries to come.

My life, as of recent, has been nothing but a big bore. I might as well write about things that help define me and this blog and possibly make me understand more than what I do now. :P

Topics:
-Coming out. It's necessary. Everyone needs their coming out story. :)
-Jonathan. Best friend turned crush. Ugh.
-Other Jonathan. Ongoing story.
-Colten. Buh.
-Kaden and Matthew. SUPER buh.
-James. First boyfriend. MEGA buh.

These, soon on a computer screen near you.

Ugh. Weddings.

So, I said previously that I went and saw that film, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It's been about a week or so since then, so my thoughts that were sparked from that film have subsided, which is a very good thing.

But seriously. A REALLY good thing. I've always been hard-headed about weddings in general, not just concerning me. Recently a bunch of people I went to high school with have been getting married. I heard about a couple of girls that I graduated high school with getting married to boys they've known for three months. A boy I really dislike got married to his whore two days ago with a four months old bastard child in the whore's uterus, and keep in mind that this guy is a year younger than I am.

I don't understand the concept of marriage. At my age, at least. Maybe they're really in love. They might have found it before the rest of us. But my 19-year-old brain can't comprehend that. So, in my eyes, they're just ignoring their life as a young adult, their time for college, or for travel, or to establish oneself as a person... it's being ignored for marriage. Maybe not even marriage, but just for sex. It's a ridiculous excuse to "saving yourself" until marriage. Purity, my ass.

Amidst all these weddings, I saw that film. *SPOILERS* That entire film takes place during the wedding of the main guy's brother over a course of about two days. The main guy is a whore, literally, who'll date multiple women at the same time. Over the course of the film, which is heavily influenced by A Christmas Carol, he is visited by old girlfriends, and by the end of the film, he realizes that he still loves the first girl he first fell in love with. *END SPOILERS*

Now... here's me just being sappy. But when as I watched this entire film, I kept thinking about all the guys in my past. Mind you... there aren't that many.

Jonathan.
Trey.
Mykel.
Justin.
Other Jonathan.
Kaden.
Colten.
Matthew.
James.

Ugh. Just saying their names really, really, REALLY irritates me. First of all, Trey and Justin don't really count in that list. I met them on the internet and even though we never had anything, I thought I liked them. Trey turned out to be a Dolce Cunt and Justin was too demanding. VERY unattractive qualities.

As for the rest? There's been something there, and this film really made me think about everything that's happened with them. And what conclusion did I come to? Well... it's a bit different with every guy, and that's depending on their respective epic-fail stories. Maybe sometime in the future I'll dedicate some posts describing what went on, but for now, it's irrelevant.

The conclusion?: Where the HELL has my head been?! Why don't I pay more attention to my rational sense rather than my... feelings? Feelings are for losers, and that's exactly how I felt throughout the entire film. I'm a loser. I'm not afraid to admit it. Nobody should. In fact, I'm glad I'm admitting it myself, because then I know I could do better.

So what about marriage? Well, all the while these guys raced through my head, I imagined my wedding. NOT WITH THEM. Eww. I can't even... ugh. BLAH. NO. NOT EVEN. No. I imagined my wedding with a generic man. I can't even describe his facial features, he's THAT generic. I imagined the decorations, the people who'd be invited, and the ones that would actually show up. I thought about the face on my mother when she accepts and realizes that a man is who I'm meant to be with. I can see my best friend Jessie crying with tears of joy, thinking in her head, "Finally! Someone good enough for him!" I can see the cake, the cheers, the dancing, the dinner... and it's all very beautiful.... but...

I don't want a wedding. I never wanted a wedding. I never could imagine it, ever. I always told myself that if I trusted myself enough with a guy that I've known for a good long while, and if he asked me to marry him, I'd consider it, but up until that point, marriage was not in the equation. So there's benefits for married couples. Meh. I can do just fine without them. That's all people get married for. Benefits. And even then some marriages fail. I don't want my relationship to fail. Not that marriage is going to make that come true, as that might happen without it, but the divorce process... to say that you're divorced. Especially a gay male. Maybe they're out there, but I personally have never heard a gay male say, "Yeah, I'm divorced. My previous husband was too much to handle. We couldn't get along."

But... marriage. After seeing the movie, I noticed that it wasn't just about benefits, etc., but rather a celebration. A celebration of two people's love for each other, love so great that it had to be expressed and shared with the rest of the world. So... why can't I have that? Why shouldn't I have that? Why did I think that I didn't need that? It almost seemed necessary...

Almost.

Like I said. I got over this girly feeling of marriage and love. I'm a man. I'm supposed to be focused on establishing myself and making myself stable before I think of these things. It lingered on my head for a couple of days, and right now I am thankful for my man-brain, a brain so manly that it pushed that Disney-esque vision out of my head and filled it with silly nonsense about teleportation, string theory, and hunger.

But...

I'm ninteen and a half. If I'm thinking of these things now... what about five years from now? Ten?

... What about a year from this very date?

Tell Me A Story...

... about your best friend: Well, one day, I never knew Jessie. I just knew she was in the band and I'd see her every so often but I didn't go up to talk to her. I didn't know her until our friend Crystal introduced us on a trip to the zoo in 7th grade. It was for a science assignment, and we spent all day together. On the bus back home, I thought she was a pretty cool girl, and since then, we've pretty much been amazing best friends. :D

... about the time you and your mother's biggest argument: Ha. My mother and I argued the worst one time when it came to me fooling around with a guy in her house. It was quite funny actually. I was playing around with one of my friends and my younger sister saw, so while I was away, my sister asked my mother why I was on top of my friend. She thought we were having sex with my then-eight-year-old sister in the house. So we got into a huge argument about respect in her house and how I need to respect her rules (which I didn't even know existed, by the way). Then the conversation shifted drastically to a point of view match to something along the lines of concern of diseases and such. It was actually quite funny how it all played out. And in the end, she asked why I hadn't told her about me and that friend and how we were a couple. That's when I couldn't stop uncontrollably laughing.

... about the room you're in: Umm... nothing special has particularly happened in this room. It's my ten-year-old sister's pink-infested Barbie room. We cleaned it all out yesterday and today, but it still feels cluttered. Erm... it's... pink. And the window right now is open and I'm freezing. I should probably shut it, but I should finish this story first. Umm... This is the room where the Wii's power cord broke... and where most of my other sister's old posters ended up, with the young sister trying to be cool.... I'm done. There's nothing special about this room.

... about the last person you talked to on the phone: AWW, PAYDEN! We had a lovely, lovely, LOVELY phone conversation the other day about boys and how they're lame and how they need to be more like us, because we should practically be the mold for all men everywhere. Although... that would get fairly boring at times, so it's mainly the fact that we don't like one night stands and that we want something real and something that lasts more than two weeks. I really do value Payden in my life. I told him that not having him around is like losing a part of my body (I said a foot, I believe) and if that's the case, I've been limping around for the past three weeks without him.

And no. I don't have a crush on Payden, although it may sound like it. He knows that. :)

... about what you valued most as a kid: Umm... as in a toy? Or what? I didn't have many worries as a kid, so I didn't have many things I valued. I didn't really have much as a kid. Just a few things here and there. I wasn't ever jealous of everyone else, but I did look at what all the other kids had and asked myself why I never had that, or why my parents couldn't ever get me that. Not that I was underprivileged, I didn't understand that until I realized that I had things that other kids wanted. So, I figured later that there was a constant "Why don't I have that" while growing up not just from my part but from other people as well.

... about the last three people you have history with: Ugh.... fuck. Seriously?

The most recent one I had "history" with... I guess I can say we still talk. We're friends. It's not bad. It just took a lot from his part to finally get to talk to me again after I ended things. At first it felt right, but after a while... a SHORT while, it didn't feel right, and I felt like I didn't need to put up with it. So before it got better or worse, ultimately we both decided that we shouldn't see each other anymore. I was over it very quickly, because I'm strong-willed and level headed and I didn't let it get to me at all, but him... it took him a while. It annoyed me at first, but eh. I got over it. And so did he.

Before that.... Bah. I hate this story. There was this guy that I liked and from what I understood, he liked me, but for some reason, we never ended up getting the official "title" if you know what I mean. We'd hang out a lot after school, but eventually he stopped talking to me altogether. I found it it was because another guy came into his life and asked him for the "title," and when this other guy found out about me, he got jealous and asked to cut contact with me. It was the most ridiculous thing I've heard, and I told him that when I got them both on the phone on a three-way call. I wanted to tell my friend that it wasn't going to last long, but I know he'd give me the whole "jealous" speech, so I didn't say anything... until it actually happened. I figured he still had feelings for me, but when I spent nearly ten months asking him about it, all he told me is that he didn't have feelings for me anymore, and I'll never find out about them... because he just won't tell me. So I'm thinking I was one of those "friends with benefits." What do I think of friends with benefits? Well, I think that I'm a friend most of the time until it benefits them. So... I went off to school and he hardly talked to me. So I thought I just annoyed him. Meh. Whatever. He can do what he wants now that he's going to college. I'll end up laughing anyway.

And then there's THIS one... It might as well have been a relationship. It went on for nearly two years, for God's sake. He was the one that all the girls wanted, all the girls desired, and all the boys were jealous of BECAUSE the girls wanted him. Obviously, he didn't want girls, and I was the only one who knew it. Out of all the people he ever had contact with, not one would think he was gay. Except for me. I found out first hand that fated October night. I wasn't hooked from the beginning because it seemed mainly experimental, but eventually feelings developed and it was the worst mistake anyone could have ever done. I let myself be used, to put things simply. At the time I didn't exactly use those terms. Instead I tricked myself into that beat-up housewife mentality: "I have to do this. I have to do this for him. I know he'll change. He just has to. Then we'll be happy together. I just know it." Time went on and the same excuses were made. He wouldn't talk to me outside of those special meetings we held every now and then, about twice a week. Yes. Twice a week. For about a year and a half total. One night we were scared shitless when the unthinkable happened and someone found us fooling around. This is when parents were involved, as well as irrational behavior. At the same time I was realizing that my fantasy was not going to come true. That eventful night when we said "I love you" to each other, on the floor, nearly naked... the only night I thought it was true and sincere... everything changed. Tears were involved from that moment on, from both parties. I saw his, but he never saw mine. We tried on working on just being friends, but it was hard on his part because he became addicted. But what we both thought was an addiction turned out to be human nature. And I was hurt deeply. Mainly because what I thought would NEVER happen to me did, and because of what my thoughts on the entire thing were. I became bitter.

Thanks to him, I'm still bitter. He's off in the world, doing his own thing, doing what he feared for so long, for as long as he was with me. I'm glad he got to find himself... at my expense.

Still bitter.

***

On a related side note, I saw Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Loved the film, HATE the thoughts it gave me afterwards....

My thoughts are now reeling about weddings. Mainly... the wedding I want to have...

Ugh. It's late. Goodnight. More on this later. Fersherrr.....

Disillusioned

So recently I've done the unthinkable. I've started using social networking websites aimed at homosexuals, mainly gay.com, connexion.org, and gynite.com. I've NEVER imagined myself doing such things, mainly because I feel really young to be using those.

I always had a feeling that anyone that used such websites were only desperate, lonely, horny, willing, and bored... and maybe a mixture of all of those. A guy from my old hall named Nate has a profile on two of those websites. Those adjectives I just listed? They all came from mainly reading his profile.

I love meeting new people. I love talking to new people. I love even just hearing about new people. My friend Jessie and I have come to the conclusion that I am a people whore. I get along with anyone I want to (and note that I said anyone, not everyone), I can relate to most people, and for some reason, people remember me. Why do people remember me? Beats me. I can't understand why a person would actually scream out my name after months and months of not seeing each other and expect to be best friends. It happens all the time though. :)

I was recently on gay.com and on the chat. SO AWKWARD, may I add. I've seen the chat before, but I've never really participated. I never had the guts to do so, because, like I said before, I'm TOO YOUNG to use it. At least, that's what my perspective is. I saw eighteen-year-olds using the chat service and I figured that I was just being a pansy for thinking it was something only older guys do. Then I noticed their pictures.

Whores. All of them. Not like I was expecting anything else. So I stuck with my thoughts. I read some of the stuff that was going on in the chat window and realized that people like to say really random things that don't make sense. I always imagined that all the guys on the chat would be in their early and mid twenties, with their shirts off, with their nice muscles and smooth skin... but that definitely was NOT the case.

The only ones actually using the chat were in their MID FIFTIES. Why would men of that age be on these websites? "Desperate, lonely, horny, willing, and bored..." Oh... yeah. I did say that, didn't I?

So then why am I on them? I'm not desperate. I've gone 18 years without a boyfriend, and when the first came along, it was nice and all, but it only lasted two weeks. And it's been eight months since then. What's that compared to the rest of my life?

I'm not lonely. I've got friends all around me... kind of. Being home made me realize that I had no life before college and hardly any friends as well. I'm definitely NOT horny because that happens only so many times a year. I know, I know. I'm a guy. I'm supposed to be thinking about sex 24/7. Not here, though. It just doesn't happen. And if I'm not horny, then I'm definitely not willing.

So... that just leaves boredom. I guess I'm just bored and want to meet new people. It's hard to meet someone new when the nearest place to meet someone is fifteen minutes away, and without a job, that just gets hard. And... how does one go about meeting someone new?

That's a hard question to answer. I met all of my friends in college through other friends and through classes. I don't have that here. All I have is my father who sleeps all day because he works nights, my sisters who I've already had enough of (and I've only been home for five days), and my mother, who works until late at night. I don't see anyone else besides that.

Why do I want to meet someone new? To meet more new people. To keep myself entertained. It's how I live. I just hope these people don't end up being ridiculous.... like last night.

So there's this boy named Michael who lives all the way across the country in Connecticut. He added me on Myspace four years ago in July and we've gotten to know each other really, really, really well... so well that I pretty much have developed feelings for him. Which is fine. That's not the bad thing.

The bad thing is that I thought I had him all figured out. He's a sweet guy and he's never done anything to make me rethink my feelings for him until last night. He's been away working on a cruise line since the beginning of March and doesn't get home until the first of June. Last night he texted me asking to see my penis, something he's NEVER done before, and something he WOULDN'T EVER do either.

So I figured he lost his phone and someone was just texting me randomly. So I asked him why, and he responded with, "Idk just curiouse." I have a low tolerance for bad grammar, but I get to know people because of it. There's no other person in the world that I've met that spells the word "curious" with an "e." So it was for sure him.

He continued to tell me that he was horny and really wanted to see my penis. After almost four years of knowing each other and trusting each other, he asks such a thing. I'm very confused as to why he kept talking to me all these years and why this finally surfaced last night.

I don't send pictures of my penis. I don't talk dirty to just anyone, and if I did, I'm purely joking. It's not my nature to be filanderous and that open. My friend Jonathan asked me what my penis size was once and all I told him was that it was private information that only a few people know, and that's because they've earned the right to see it. Not all people have that right. I'm very reserved about things like that. Does that make me one of the "useful" ones? The ones that are supposed to let loose as soon as they know a guy well?

Do all gay men keep the "stupid" one around until they think they're going to get something out of it? Something physical? This is the downside of my sexuality. I'd rather have it be anything else than this. A greater risk of AIDS, my hair falling out, or getting rocks thrown at me.... Basically, anything else is better than this. And if this is what's truly and most definitely going to happen all the time, then listen well, all of you homosexuals out there...

Don't talk to me.

My Boyfriend, Mitch Hewer.

Now, I must say that I'm definitely NOT superficial when it comes to attraction.... but there is one DEFINITE exception.




Mitch Hewer. No, he's not really my boyfriend (although I would be the luckiest and happiest guy on earth if he was). I'm just madly in love with him... even though I'm one of those people that say love doesn't happen unless you've met them personally.




I can't get over the fact that's he is so beautiful. I, personally, LOVED him in Skins. Skins is a British television show about raunchy, sexual, drugged up teenagers.



He wasn't one of them, thankfully. His gay character, Maxxie, didn't even get anything until the second series. I was so jealous of the guy who made fun of him for being gay and ended up being gay himself. They rolled down a hill and then made out at the bottom. Then, later, he hooked up with this boy named James (which is funny because that's the name of my ex. :P)



There's a lot of rumors going on in the world that he's gay, that he's bi, that he's neither... All sources say he's straight. Many forum-spammers say that they heard on Radio 1 that he's bisexual. Supposedly he also came out in an article from Attitude magazine.



It doesn't matter to me. He's beautiful and I love him just how he is. His blonde (which is now brown), his tan, his eyes.... The best part about him is that he's my height! There aren't very many painfully attractive boys that are only 5'5" in height. :D


Pretty sure, that to anyone who is questioning their sexuality, a picture of Mitch can definitely give you a straight answer. Ask yourself right now, men. "Is this guy here attractive?" And if your answer is yes, ask yourself, "Does he give me a tingly feeling all over, mainly in my no-no area?" And if the answer is yes again...



BACK OFF. He's ALL mine. :D

To Familiarize Myself...

I figured that to familiarize myself with this a bit more, why not do one of those ridiculous surveys that pop up all over Myspace and Facebook and write a bit more about myself? (Even though I really do not like writing about myself at all... :P)



What is today?
Today is the third of May.

Do you own a tree?
Umm... not really.... There's a couple of trees in the yard outside, but they're not technically mine.

Paper, plastic, or rubber?
Rubber? Why include rubber? I can't think of anything that I would have a choice between paper, plastic, or rubber...

What color are your socks?
I'm sockless at the moment.

What color are your feet?
Uhh... skin color? Tan skin color?

Did you know that Pluto is not a planet?
Well, here's the thing. And you're going to think of me as some sort of loser geek for saying this. But Pluto is actually still considered to be a planet by a large portion of scientists. The only reason it wasn't considered to be a planet is the word "planet" was defined specifically just recently, and Pluto didn't fall into that category. So, Pluto is a dwarf planet, which is a part of more dwarf planets and debris that make up a belt of space junk around the solar system.

And it's not like you really care... because you're only a survey.... and now I feel dumb.


Will you be in a relationship in fifteen years?
Fifteen? Nearly thirty-five years old. I better be, or I might as well give up. :P

Will you be in a relationship in fifteen days?
Oh, no, no, no. That's for sure NOT going to happen.

What about in fifteen minutes?
Uhh... that's even less probable than fifteen days.

Do you use tongue when kissing?
Depends on the kiss. It'd be very awkward if I went up to a familiar and started using my tongue for a cheek to cheek kiss.

Do you know how to write in cursive?
I do, but it's really bad cursive. I didn't practice enough when I was younger.

Do you delete questions if you don't want to answer them?
No. I delete questions if they are really grammatically incorrect. Those just make me angry. :P

Have you been on a cruise?
Nah. I haven't been one to really think of me on a cruise and actually enjoy it.

Where was your last road trip?
Going home from school, I guess. Four hour drives are really relaxing.

Have you ever been out of the country?
In a way. I was born in a different country.

What would you name a black dog?
A black dog? If it's small, I'll name it Gregorius Muldoon. If it's a big dog, I'll name it Brutus.

How many people have you kissed?
Not counting family, I've kissed eight people; Two were just on the lips, and the other six were more than that. Also... two were girls. o.O

Have you recieved a puppy in the mail box?
YES! ... No. Why would anyone send a dog through the mail?

Do you want to hold them like they do in Texas Plays?
Okay, Lady Gaga. Now I know it's you who created this survey.

How do you feel about sheep?
Baa Ram Ewe!

How old is your skin?
Hmm... About nineteen years and four months old, let alone the nine in the womb.

Are you on something?
I'm on a bed... if that's the kind of "on" you're asking about. :P

Who is your best friend?
I have Jessie, who is my very best friend, and Payden, the gay best friend I never had until I went to college. :D

Most over used phrase?
"Pretty sure..." "Remember when..." "Fershur." "Okay, (insert adjective here in place of a noun)."

I love you, do you love me?
No. I have no idea who you are. Why would you love me anyway?

Have you kissed anyone who's name started with: A, G, T, W, E, B, C, Q, O, P, R, V, M, Z, I, H, L?
Umm... C and Z. All the other letters of the people I've kissed are not on this list. :P

Do you like College?
Aww, yeah! Only... let's not capitalize college next time.

Are you in College?
I was. I'm out for the summer. And you didn't listen to me. I told you not to capitalize college.

Who do you want your next kiss to be with?
Someone meaningful. 'Nuff said.

When will your next kiss be?
Umm... why wasn't this question before the last one? I have no idea when my next kiss will be. It's not like I actually plan when I'm going to kiss someone.

Do you want to move?
Yes.

Who are you going to marry, and when is your wedding date?
I don't know if I'll marry...

What would you do if the last person you kissed didn't want to be with you?
I'd be fine with that. I'm sure I don't want to be with them either.

Duck you?
... I'm just going to ignore this.

How white are you?
I'm not white at all. It makes me sad sometimes... but then other times it works to my advantage.

What are you looking forward to in the next 2 seconds?
This answer took two seconds.

How about the next 2 days?
Who knows what will happen in two days?

How about 2 weeks?
I hope I have a job by then.

How about 2 months?
That just makes it one month closer to school!!

How about 2 years?
Okay, persistent. I'm not going to even say anything anymore.

Do you want a paper gangsta?
... What the hell is a paper gangsta?

Are you on a boat?
I'm definitely on a boat.

What would you do if you found out the last person you kissed kissed someone since you last kissed them?
That's fine. I wouldn't mind.

What are you thinking about right NOW?
How this survey ended up being something really fun and now, towards the end... it's really getting annoying. :P

Do you have a penis?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Do you have dirty pictures on your phone?
UHH.... NO. AWKWARD.

What color are your eyes?
Really dark brown. Very generic.

Do you have brown eyes?
Pretty sure that's what I just said.

Do you like piercings?
I do. I've got my ears and my labret pierced.

How big are your BOOBIES?
I just said I had a penis. Why would I have breasts?

How many people have you had sex with in 2007??
One.

Weed, coke, speed, crack, heroin, oxy, acid, x, k, peyote, mushrooms, of these, how many have you done?
What a drastic change of questions! I've smoked weed before...

Ever paid for sex?
You're kidding, right? I don't really like sex in the first place, let alone paying for it.

Do you own any guns?
Only MY ARMS!! .... No. I don't own guns.

Have you ever had any sexual experiences with the same sex?
I can safely say that YES. I've had sexual experiences with ONLY the same sex.

How long has it been since you had sex?
Ugh. Seriously? Fine. It's been nearly ten months without sex. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

Is it possible to be single and happy?
Yes. Just ask me. I'm the perfect example. :D